Safe Impact Play Workshop

Impact play in the lifestyle can be a fun and exciting activity between a dominant and a submissive/slave It covers a wide variety and range of playstyles and various different techniques, some of which we are going to talk about here in this workshop. With such a wide range of playstyles and techniques available, it is very important to understand the safety behind these various different playstyles. There is much more to it then just picking up a paddle or a flogger and smacking your submissive’s ass with it.

So lets discuss the different types of play styles and techniques which are available to us as Dominants.

There are two basic categories of “impact play” which we find in the world of BDSM:

““Erotic Spanking”

In “erotic spanking”, the submissive is struck either with a Dominant’s open palm or hand, or a rigid implement, each coming with their own name for the various activity.

• Paddle referred to as “Paddling”
• Crop referred to as “Cropping”
• Cane referred to as “Caning”

There are also implements known as slappers or smackers. These consist of a semi flexible leather paddle with rounded and tapered edges, designed specifically to minimize the severity of the impacting strike.

“Erotic Flagellation”

In “erotic flagellation”, which is defined as a S&M act in which the participant receives erotic stimulation from whipping or being whipped, the submissive is struck with a flexible implement such as a switch, a whip, or a belt. Whips are classified in two specific categories, based on the number of falls they have. Falls are the leather bit(s) which hang down from the handle used to strike the submissive/slave with.

• Single Tails:  These include whips which have a single fall such as a bullwhip. It is usually referred to as whipping or single tailing.
• Floggers: These include implements with have many falls such as a cat-o-nine tails, or the general flogger. It is referred to as flogging.

There are other less common forms of impact play such as “face slapping” and punching which will be loosely covered at the end of this article.

“Thuddy verses Stingy”

The next important concept is understanding the differences between thuddy and stingy. These sensations depend on two things, the area which is being struck and the implement which is chosen to be used. For wider implements as those mentioned in the “spanking” section above, the sensation is spread out to a wider area of the body thus giving a “thuddy” sensation to the body. Narrower implements such as those mentioned in the erotic flagellation will impact a much smaller area of the skin and give off a more “stingy” sensation.

“Understanding Floggers”

When it comes to floggers, it depends on the various sizes of the falls, how the flogger is used, and where exactly the person is striking the other person.

First, the sizing of the flogger can make a great difference to whether or not you get a stinging sensation or a thuddy sensation. Floggers which have wider thicker falls will tend to give off a more thuddy sensation, verses ones which have smaller falls. How you go about striking the person with the flogger will also depend upon how exactly the person will feel sensation wise from the strike.

“Single stroke flogging” involves focusing on one single strike at a time. The flogger falls are usually grasped together to draw them close and then a underhanded movement of the wrist while throwing the arm forward to strike a place on the submissive’s body one strike at a time. These tend to involve the length of the flogger, which can depending on the size of the flogger again either give a stingy or thuddy sensation.

“Cycling flogging” is a series of strokes that flow into the next stroke, continuously. This builds up momentum and usually brings about a more rhythmic pattern in the strokes. Cycling flogging can involve the larger length of the flogger which could bring about either a thuddy or stingy sensation, or the very edges or tips of the flogger which tend to bring more of a stingy sensation over thuddy. However, both of course depending on how the strike is made can bring about either sensation involved.

“Understanding Wrapping”

Wrapping is a HUGE MISTAKE on the flogger’s technique and is something to avoid at all times. It Is when the tips of the talls or the falls themselves wrap around the curved portion of the submissive’s body such as the buttocks, legs, and hips, and shoulders. Have you ever heard that cracking sound when a whip strikes out, that actually comes from the whip moving faster then the speed of sound. Believe it or not, the implement in this case can gain tremendous amount of force and speed at the same time and if the person who is doing the flogging looses control over the flogger, it can cause considerable amount of damage and strike someone in an area which they were not intended to be struck. When flogging, the person doing the flogger should never loose sight of where exactly the flogger is going to strike. This comes down to focusing. Practice makes perfect here in this situation. It is recommended to take a pillow or a blanket folded upwards and try to work the flogger so that it strikes exactly where you want it to, and exactly where your eyes are focused upon.

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“The elements of a impact play scene”

Understanding the elements which are involved in a scene are important. I always compare them to a bell curve where they slowly begin to go up, rise to a peek and then sharply come down to slow off and the end with a nice crescendo at the very end, followed by proper aftercare.

“Stage one: The Warm Up”

Warming up is very similar to preparing the mind and body for what is about to come. For those who do any type of exercise, if you don’t warm yourself up, you could end up doing considerable amount of damage from strain to pulling a muscle, to possibly deeper muscle or tissue damage. This is the same when it comes to doing any sort of implement play. We don’t want to shock the body with anything specifically extreme, so warming up prepares to dealing with the shock which might come.

Warming up involves giving your partner a few light strokes to start. I tend to usually let them feel the implement I am going to use by slowly rubbing it over their skin and then lightly giving them a few taps, followed by other sensations. This isn’t something which should be rushed. The more time you spend at warming someone up, the more prepared the submissive will be. One of the biggest concepts when it comes down to flogging is accuracy. This is more important then anything, and just like spoken above when it comes to wrapping, practice makes perfect. The more you practice, the better your accuracy and focus will become.

“Stage two: Peeking the Scene”

Once you have warmed your partner up, getting into the bulk of the scene is what comes next. A mixture of pleasure and pain is optional but not required. It depends on what type of sensations you which to build in your partner. When it comes to the impact play, remember that it is a race of adrenaline and endorphins in the submissive’s body. The further you go, the closer to subspace the will become, although subspace might not entirely happen,

Once you get moving and into a routine, keeping eyes on what your doing is key. Watch the coloring of the skin. This will give you a good indicator to how far you are going. Understanding if your partner is ok with being marked is also important. The harder you hit, the type of implement you use, and the length of time you hit one spot can make marks appear. Mixing up strikes with massaging or touching, bringing a bit of an intimate touch mixture with your impact play can make for a great and fun scene. I sometimes like to have ice available, but remember ice and cold water will cause the skin to toughen up, making the impacts even more stronger on the surface of the skin, and the likelihood for bruising or even possibly breaking the skin even more possible.

“Stage Three: The crescendo”

The “crescendo” as we call it is the top of the peek. This is the desired effect which you want to instill in the submissive. It might be an orgasm after you give a mixture of pleasure or pain, or the peek of the impact play. Whatever it may be, your focus on the submissive is key at this point. You need to watch closely to how  he or she is responding, to ensure you don’t put them over the edge.

“Stage four: The Downward spiral”

After your reach the peek, you will begin with a downwards spiral. The submissive’s body and mind at this point might be spent. They will be numb, limp and at times just come crashing back down to ear. Allowing them to come down gently by bringing them down, slowing the strikes, coming close to hold them, focusing on their breathing, the beat of their heart and getting them to come down close enough that you can take them and begin aftercare. Remember aftercare is key especially in impact play scenes. You need to treat not only the submissive’s mind but the submissive’s body. You are impacting their body, so there will be some degree of damage which you will need to tend in in one way shape or form. Aloe for bruised skin, healing jel for anything else. Get a good idea of skin care. I tend to have things like ice and skin lotion available, and after a nice massage, and tending to whatever marks or bruising there might be on their bodies. Having bandages available for any open areas. After you tend to the submissive, always make sure to tend to your toys. Cleaning them, wiping them down and storing them away is important to make sure you play safe and they last you a long time.

Responsible flogging or the use of any implement really comes down to accuracy, research, practice and communication with your partner. It is even recommended that you sit down with someone who has a wide range or a strong level of experience with flogging, and/or who has been flogged, to get a better understanding of what is happening and how to do things the right way. It is meant to be fun, erotic and arousing, but it is also something which is extremely dangerous, as with any activities which have risks involved with them. Take time to understand, practice, and get to know what your doing before deciding to do it to someone. The submissive’s life is in your hands as a Dominant.

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“Understanding Human Anatomy”

To be experienced at impact play, it is very important to have a firm understanding of the human body. Remember, your striking the body, this does come with risks. There are areas which are great to flog and areas which should be avoided at ALL COSTS due to the vulnerability and potential for damage.

The following diagram is taken from the website asibdsm.com and all courtesy and respect given:

[INSERT DIAGRAM HERE]

The areas are color coded from GREEN to RED.

• Green: All clear, do your worst or best!
• Yellow: Risky Zones – use caution when directly hitting these areas or how frequent you hit them.
• Red: Danger Danger Danger, just stay away from these areas
• Purple: HELL NO! In no event or time should you ever even THINK of going near these areas with a flogger. Not happening.

Educating yourself about where some of the most vulnerable areas which you can do extreme damage is key. These areas should be avoided at all cost due to how delicate they are.

• Kidneys: Located in the area of the back between the bottom of the ribcage and the top of the butt.
• Tailbone: Located at the base of the spine. It can become cracked or broken when struck by any implement.
• Hips: The sides of the buttocks and along the boney part of the hips. There are several delicate nerves close to the surface of the skin here and the hip bone can easily become cracked if struc.
• Spine: Up and down the center of the back. It has several very small delicate bones which can become cracked or bruised. Damage to the spinal chord itself can leave with potential for large back problems.
• Neck: This is a very sensitive area. The neck is the transport highway for lot of important arteries and veins transporting blood to and from your limbs and your head. You also have various glands, tendons, lymph nodes, your larynx, voice box.. yeah just stay away from here.
• Face: Sometimes people will use face slapping as part of the impact play, but there are lot of very delicate things such as your sinus, your mouth, eyes, lips, cheekbones, jawbones which can become easily damaged. No one should be taking any implements near this part of the body.
• Ears:  Hitting the ears could cause lot of damage to your hearing. There are delicate tiny bones along with the drum itself which can become easily damaged if not careful.

“The Leather Butt Condition”

This is a condition when an area of the body is struck too many times, it ends up desensitizing that particular part of the body, killing the nerves which are what transports the sensations and feelings to our brains. It also can cause the skin to toughen up and bring about a large amount of scar tissue. This is something which is wanting to be avoided at all costs. You can avoid this happening by varying your techniques, durations, or areas. Move from one area of the body to another. Don’t always strike the same area.

Part Two: Service and Serving – The Virtual World

In part one of this article, we discussed service as a non sexual way for submissives to serve Dominants. We looked at the various motivations behind service, and the direct details of how a submissive can serve in a non sexual manner. In the virtual world, these same concepts still exist but they can get a bit more complicated due to the limitations which we see in the virtual world.

Unlike the real world, obviously the ideas of walking the dogs, doing laundry, or house cleaning which might be very basic ways of serving don’t entirely exist, least without a bit of creative roleplay which might make them capable, but very uncommon. However there are vastly huge ways which a submissive can still be in service to a Dominant which would reflect the same beliefs and concepts of a service oriented submissive which we might see in the real world.

I have seen established houses in Second Life and other virtual environments which have some of the same fundamental foundations which we find in the real world. Is it possible to provide non sexual service to a dominant online? Of course there is, it just takes a bit of a creative mindset, but there are plenty of things which you can do, to assist your partner, as if you were there in the real world.

• Scripting (Second Life)
• Building Sims (Second Life)
• Providing Instructional or Educational means for other submissives
• Singing for a Dominant
• Reading a story, poetry, or other creative writing
• Roleplay, Roleplay, Roleplay!

These are just a hand full of ways which a submissive can serve in a domestic manner or as a service oriented submissive. The final one beign repeated twice, roleplay, is a way which a submissive can use a bit of emoting, some creative words, and actually act out things such as preparing a meal, providing a drink, massaging, these are all things which are possible in an online environment. Even things such as doing chores is very possible. I have seen some places which have things which become dirty over time, requiring to be dusted, and submissives out there with their duster in hand making sure they are kept clean. This gives them the virtual image of being a maid and keeping a house clean. A clever dominant could figure ways to build discipline, punishment and even reward into situations such as this.

“The Serve”

Over the years you see an intricate series of roleplay which involves serving food or drink. This seems to be one of the more common ways a submissive can be of service to a dominant. It spans from the “Gorean” lifestyle online, a roleplay lifestyle which was created based on a series of books by John Norman. In these books he describes this type of service, from privately owned slaves serving their masters, to tavern slaves serving a patron in the tavern. Over the years, this has been virtualized into a series of posts made by slaves online in service to a dominant type figure depicting movement, preparing the drink, and down to presenting the drink to that dominant.

Later on this has expended to doing chores, and other means of service online. This type of roleplay has slipped into other virtual realms of various different types of roleplay environments. Anything is possible with the written word, it just takes a bit of imagination, creativity and common sense. So get out there and give it a true, who knows, you might find the same fulfillments of doing these types of things for a dominant, as one would receive in the real world, and you might just be a service oriented submissive.

The concept of “providing service” as a submissive has certainly changed over the years, with no help from the media and porn industry. In today’s world, when one thinks on “providing service”, nine out of ten times it is in a sexual manner or of some sexual activity to be performed. The images of a girl dressed in a skimpy French maid’s outfit with a duster in her hand. In walks the Dominant who bends her over the desk and the scene immediately turns to something sexual.

Is this what providing service is all about or is there more to it?

Believe it or not, there is a lot more to “providing service” then sex and play. There are even those out there who don’t even play but find arousal or fulfillment with providing service to another.

So what exactly is the definition of “service” in the lifestyle?

The definition of “service” is any activity or function that you can fulfill to make your partner’s life easier or to some extent making him or her happy. In truth, if we look at this, both the Dominant and submissive in a D/s based role provide service for each other, which we will look into in just a bit.

Understanding the “Service Oriented Submissive”

You tend to find service oriented submissive types in a 24/7 based dynamic where they live with the dominant, but just about any submissive can get fulfillment from providing services to Dominants. These types of submissives provide for the dominant things to make the life of the Dominant easier as we spoke above in the definition. This tends to begin for the 24/7 couple at the time of waking up and going all the way till they fall asleep in the evening.

In the morning, a service oriented submissive may be given tasks to accomplish each morning, laying out the dominant’s clothing, preparing breakfast and that very nectar of the gods most of us live off of in the morning, a cup of coffee. It goes on throughout the day, tending to chores around the house maintaining various housekeeping tasks such as cleaning up, doing laundry, doing the dishes, preparing dinner.. all of these ideas of how a submissive can provide service for a dominant. Consider the pure housewife who doesn’t work but works to maintain the household.

Now these ideas don’t entirely sound all that enjoying. Who could possibly get fulfillment from doing laundry besides having sex on the washing machine while its going? With service orientated submissive, they get fulfillment ot because it directly makes them happy, or they get direct pleasure from it, but it makes the person they are doing it for happy. They focus their energy on being useful.

In my time,  I have found that all submissives to some degree crave direction, stability and overall being found as useful or pleasing. This tends to drive them emotionally to a very long degree. There is a give and take which happens between dominants here and submissives. As I spoken before, even Dominants provide a ‘level’ of service to submissives. The dominant provides the environment, structure and foundation for the submissive to be useful to the needs of the dominant. The submissive gets the satisfaction of being useful, pleasing to the dominant doing something worthwhile and making that dominant function more efficiently.

“Understanding the types of Service”

There are two key types of service which can be provided by submissives.

Anticipatory or Proactive

This mean being able to anticipate the needs of the Dominant without the dominant asking for things. this tends to happen after the submissive has been with the Dominant for awhile, understands what the dominant needs are. For example, the dominant is to be returning home from work soon… a proactive submissive might prepare things to make things comfortable for the dominant when they get home. This might include laying out more comfortable clothing to change into, preparing a drink for the dominant to enjoy, or a snack before dinner is to be served. These things are done without the dominant having to ask for such to be done. Routines can be established and observed, and this is where anticipation and being proactive falls into place.

Reactive

Reactive is more about obeying direct commands or orders, being given tasks to accomplish, or simply being directed by the dominant. This takes a bit of skill to listening and being alert, which we will go into in just a moment.

“Understanding the motivation behind service”

Another interesting thing to look at is the “Why” behind a service oriented submissive. We spoke that they get fulfillment out of serving, but what is the motivation for the submissive in providing service. From research from various psychological and lifestyle references, it is really broken down to three types of motivational factors.

Transitional motivation

This is a reward based system. The submissive provides service to the dominant in hopes to earn something for doing a good job, or a good deed, or overall being pleasing. They provide service in hopes the dominant will make use of them in bed for the evening is one prime example. This might be great for portions of the time, but a submissive cannot rely on reward for every single thing which they do.

Devotional Motivation

“I am doing this because I love you sooo much”. This type of motivation strictly lays on emotion. A submissive will do something out of the emotions which they have for the person. This is a back and forth concept, the dominant makes the submissive happy so the submissive strives to make the dominant happy, out of love. The flip side to this however is, if this is the only motivational factor there, well what happens when the submissive is in a fowl mood, or the couple are arguing or fighting which does tend to happen, no matter how submissive someone is, we are all human beings here, with emotions. Will the submissive continue to do what they are told or do, or expected to do by the dominant, even if they are mad? As much as this is a strong motivation for submissives to ‘serve’ it really cannot be the only reason.

Positional Motivation

“I live to serve and be pleasing, this is my position in life”. Some submissives tend to fall into a roll of this is who I am, this is what I am about, thus I must be of service to Dominants, or ‘my’ Dominant. To some this position is a general position where to others it is a position which only is connected with their partner directly. This goes more deeper into poly verses mono based relationships, and community based settings which we see this. As a dominant, I tend to enjoy a good flogging. It is very relaxing and is very much a form of massage. I had given a flogger to someone and asked them to hit me with it. As much as they tried, they just could not do it for one reason or another. It was just not in them to do this. This falls under this category of motivation.

Overall, I tend to find people who dip into each of these three basic categories when it comes to providing service. They tend to have a sense of this is what they are, doing this out of emotional for the person, sometimes wishing to have some form of a reward for what they do, a give and take as they say. I’ve always used the glass of water example where a submissive needs to get back just as much as they give. If you keep pouring water out of the glass without refilling it at some point, all your going to get is a empty glass at some point, with nothing left to give.  So whether it is emotion, stability and direction, a sense of being, or the reward, submissives need to have some form of a motivation for providing the service they provide.

“Fundamental Skills of Service”

There are several key fundamental skills when it comes to providing service.

• Be on time!
• Ability to follow clear instruction
• Remaining silent when being told to do so, or being directed.
• Learn how to focus on the Dominant speaking and listen
• Ask for clarification when instructions are not clear.
• Report shortcomings, mistakes, and failures as quickly as possible.
• Accept criticism without emotional reactions or outbursts.

These seven direct skills will help you as a submissive to be able to provide proper service to whom you are providing that service to. Remember about the motivations we spoke about. Dominants tend not to like submissives who show aggression, attitude or contempt when they are serving. This can lead tobad feelings and possible damage to the overall relationship. Keeping a clear head, keeping yourself in check as a submissive, and understanding the reasons your doing what your doing, will help things go more smoothly. Remember, when your providing service, your doing things for the Dominant, and He or She is always right with what they want.

The second skills are what I call “disciplines”. These are skills sometimes are very direct, usually come from a level of education, or training the person has gone through in order to provide these types of skills. I have seen submissives who are apart of a overall household for a very specific reason, or a very specific skill set which they can provide that household. Here is a very very short list of some examples to these types of disciplines.

• Animal caretaker or trainer
• Hair Stylist or Barber
• Caretaker, caterer, or Cook/Chef
• Cleaner, Housekeeping Specalist
• Medical Specialist (Doctor, Nurse, EMT)
• Therapist (Massage, Psychological)
• Gardener or Grounds keeper
• Butler
• Personal Assistant or Secretary
• Accountant
• Valet
• Computer Specialist
• Engineer / Car Repair  etc. etc.

This list can go on and on to pretty much anything which one might do as a “Career” to some degree.

So as you can see, there is much more to providing service to a dominant or dominants then just play or sexual activities.  Part 2 of this article will cover providing service in an online environment or virtual world like second life.

“Punishments” is one of the many tools which Dominants have in their toolbox for teaching and controlling our submissives out there.

Let us begin with a brief definition of what “Punishment” really means. Punishment is the art of correcting a submissive/slave from doing something wrong. It is correcting behaviors which we as Dominants don’t approve of.

For example, let us say that we give a rule to our submissives that they have to be in bed by 10pm and they agree to that rule. The submissive reports that she/he forgot about the rule and went to bed at 1am in the morning, which is deliberately against the Dominants rule. We would use some form of punishment in order to get across to the submissive, that we do not approve of this behavior, so we choose to “punish” them.

One of the key points which was always drilled through my head is “Let the punishment ‘fit’ the crime”.

So, what exactly is considered a punishment?

Like most things, society tends to have quite a crude overview of what our lifestyle really is about. You ask around about punishments and the first thing which usually drops into people’s head that punishments tend to require something painful like caning, whipping or down right spanking.

In truth and reality that is not always necessary for a punishment. The end goal for a Dominant when it comes to punishing, is we want something which will stick in the submissive’s head and they will ‘remember’ it. Remember, we’re trying to correct behaviors which we do not approve of, so we want something which will last, something the submissive will remember.

Does this require pain all of the time?

The answer to this question is “No”. I actually tend to find punishments which are creative and just out there, are those which tend to get remembered the most. A spanking or a caning can easily become forgotten, but if you build on something which makes the submissive/slave think, you got a better chance of them remembering it.

Just recently, I was djing for a place and made a direct comment that I wasn’t going to take “Disney Songs” as requests. One of the submissives thought it would be humorous and begin to mouth off Disney songs privately to me. This of course annoyed me to some degree, so how exactly did I choose to respond to it?

Would spanking or caning her be the right response to this, or is there something else which I could of done to get the point across?

I choose the take one of those old fashioned mickey mouse hats you find in the 90s or 80s and give it to the submissive to wear for a week’s time, informing her that if anyone of the lifestyle confronts her and asks about the hat, that she would have to explain to those people, what exactly it meant and what it’s purpose is. This keeps what had happened fresh in the submissive’s mind, and makes the punishment a bit more “fun and playful” verses “painful and dark”.

There are many different ways which you can go about punishing a submissive or slave.

• Make them wear something unusual like the mickey mouse ears, or a clown’s nose.
• Write something on their bodies which they will see when they get undressed
• Adding things or taking things away, such as panties in either sense. Perhaps making them wear panties if they are not used or haven’t for awhile or visa verse.
• “Writing Lines on the chalk board”
• Kneeling and repeating a phrase over and over again.
• Dying their hair a specific color, perhaps something they don’t entirely like.
• Taking their cellphone away (Omg how would they go about their day!)
• Having them sleep on the couch or in another room and not with you.

These are pretty much off the top of my head in a span of two minutes of thinking. As you can see none of these punishments have anything to do with pain.

I remember a time in elementary school where I put a frog inside a teacher’s desk. I had to stay after school and write “I shall not put animals inside the teacher’s desk” about 1000 times on the chalk board. You can bet your bottom, I didn’t do it again.

Just remember a few key points. “Creative Non painful” punishments tend to lead into the mental realm of things. Make sure just as spoken above, the punishment fits the crime. You should also as a dominant, follow the very basic fundamental rules when it comes to punishing a submissive or slave. Make sure you provide aftercare, don’t over do it because a submissive or slave can tend to take things out on themselves far more then we ever could.

Punishments can be fun and creative as long as you get your lesson across, and correct the behavior your correcting. If you can do such in a non impact, non painful way and still get the lesson into the submissive or slave’s head, I say the more creative the better. At the end, it always leads to having good stories to leave behind and a good memory to remember. The key point here is remembering, so they won’t do it again.

It is well documented that the biggest sexual organ in either a male or
female’s body is not what is between our legs, but what is above our neads, the
brain. “Dirty Talk” or “Pillow Talk” as I call it here is one of the various
tools found in the dominant’s toolbox. Not only is it a great way to arouse a
submissive, but it can be very useful for a beginning couple as they work to
negotiate and get to know each other.

Think of this senario for example: Your dominant coming close to you,
bringing his lips to touch your earlobe, whispering words of intimacy to you.
This person being so close, the sensation of the warmth of his breath, or the
deep erotic feeling which runs down your spine and out through your entire body
of a shared hushed erotic secret?

Erotic Talking during “foreplay” or even throughout the entire scene arouses
the mind which triggers just about everything within our body. Remember, that
our mind is our major processing center of our entire body. What we smell,
taste, feel, see and even hear is all processed by our minds. THat is why we can
cry at a sad story, or feel fear from a scary movie, or laugh at a joke. Our
body physically responds to what our senses pick up. This is an important
concept for Dominants to be understanding of.

Some people can be very closed off to dirty talk. They feel shy or nervous,
becomming very uncomfortable with the idea of dirty talk. Never fear, even for
those who are very shy, adhering to few tips of the trade, you can become quite
an expert to this trade.

1. First and foremost relax yourself by taking a deep calming breath and
   let it out slowly. I tend to use this as a trigger for myself to place me
   into the space. When you begin to speak, use a very soft and low confidant
   voice. Enunciate your words as you speak. Remember that assertiveness and
   confidance are the keys to any submissive’s mind. By doing this, you are
   using your very voice to bring her closer to you both pysically and
   mentally. Your building a want inside her.
2. Your playing with senses here and multiple senses at once can pull a
   submissive towards you deeper. As your using sound, use the sense of touch
   also. Use your lips to touch gently against your ear, allow your breath to
   flow from your lips to brush over her ear. This can sometimes even be a
   trigger for some submissives. Use your hands while your doing this. Two
   great places to start are the girl’s breasts and her neck. Don’t necessarily
   go straight for between her legs, take time, your building the scene up
   right now, so don’t be so quick for physical pleasure.
3. Start out very simple using the strong power of suggestion. Speak about
   how you will slowly undress her, how you will remove each bit of garment
   from her body. Use this to build ideas for the scene to see how she will
   react. As you get better at this, you will be able to add aspects to the
   scene, suggesting what you *MIGHT* do to her. You don’t always have to be
   specific or even do what you suggest, this is all about suggestion here.
   Your plucking the strings of her body. This is also a good way to gauge her
   reaction. Does she moan when you speak about flogging her, does she whimper
   when you talk about sliding a knife over her skin? Does she freeze up? This
   is a great way to introduce new ideas and see how she might react to them,
   and then you can judge whether or not you wish to bring things aspects into
   the scene itself.
4. Use different types of suggestive phrases like “I want to feel the
   wetness on the tips of my fingers or even good girls get spankings on
   occassion, have you been a good girl or a bad girl? You can use a lot of
   play acting here to build upon the scene itself, putting her in the
   mindspace you want her. Remember that once you have captured the mind, the
   body follows along with it.
5. Use your primal inner animal inside yourself. Mix growling or moaning,
   or purring depending on your gender type. This can also add to the over all
   feeling of what is going on.

These are five key steps, but this is all about using your own creativity and
your own imagination. As spoken before, not only is this a tool and a good place
to start the scene, but also a great place to check out new ideas, and watch how
your partner is going to respond to them. I sometimes will use concepts from the
book whether I am in Gor, I may pull things like the slave paces from the book.
The Story of O, I use the beginning words spoken to O when she’s being
introduced into the chateau about how her body is not hers anymore, and each
part of her is to serve the Masters of the Chateau. This is is all play acting,
and a bit of storytelling concepts, but once you have mastered this, this is a
really great place to begin “foreplay” which will be spoken more in later
pieces.

So get out there and strut your stuff. Remember, practice makes perfect. As
you do it more and more, you will grow more and more confident with yourself as
a Dominant and confidant with your parter till it will become almost automatic,
and you will be able to pluck the very chords of her mind with your voice and
your touch.  Good Luck!

“Definition of Mentor”

• a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
• an influential senior sponsor or supporter.

Examples of “Mentors”

• A young intern was mentored by the country’s top heart surgeon
• After college, her professor became her close friend and mentor.
• we volunteer as Mentors to disadvantaged children.
• The Master Craftsmen mentors his students in his arts

So by definition, a Mentor is someone who offers guidance, support and teaching. They act as a role model for the person being mentored to look up to. They aren’t there to make a carbon copy of themselves but to help the person to be whoever they wish to be.

• Knowledge of the Subject being Mentored
• Good teaching and Guidance Skills
• Good Communication Skills
• Good Leadership Skills
• Be Trustworthy
• Good Relationship and Friendship skills

A wise mentor may have all of the knowledge in the world for whatever field or subject there is. They may be a true master in whatever is being taught, but without the skills to impart that knowledge, it can never be passed on properly and healthy.

A “Mentor” is a learned friend, a teacher for which has earned someone’s trust enough to become a confidant, where necessary, is able to give good support, advice and overall guidance, without being blocked by their own personal beliefs and ideas. They can keep a open mind without prejudice and able and open to views from different areas at all times.

A proper “Mentor” in the world of BDSM should have a good foundation of knowledge of the aspects of the lifestyle, the ethical side of things as well as the skills and experience in play. They will have a full range of knowledge on technique, safety, and the practical implementation of what they are mentoring. There are mentors out there who are overall, who have a wide range of ethical and physical knowledge, and those who are “Masters” at a certain craft or skill.

A good mentor will encourage not try to train. They will not try to make carbon copies of themselves, but encourage those whom they are mentoring to seek out knowledge for themselves through other books and the massive amount of resources which are out there. “Google” is your friend is something which I tell anyone who approaches me looking to find knowledge out there. The problem comes down to weeding through what is good knowledge and what is poor. That Is truthfully on a person to person judgement call, as we are all different in what we do and how we absorb things.

There is a great VAST difference between a mentor and a trainer. A mentor is a guide, someone who is willing to hold your hand and walk the path with you, not for you. Mentors usually will not engage with the person being mentored in aspects of play. They won’t be imposing restrictions or punishments upon you, and won’t be telling you what to do and what not to do. These things are usualy left up to those who take on more of a “Trainer” or potential “Dominant” role.

The short answer to this is No, you do not technically need a mentor to practice in BDSM. However, it is nice to have someone for which you trust and value their input to run things by, especially when your new and just starting out. During my beginning years in the lifestyle, there were several people which I looked up to for guidance or experience. I did not necessarily call them “Mentors” per say, but more learned friends which I enjoyed speaking with on a regular basis, and trusted their knowledge and guidance when I felt I needed it. There was one person for whom I did end up establishing a more structured Mentor/mentee relationship with whom helped me to structure myself and work through things. He helped to keep me grounded, not to make beginner’s mistakes as they say and guided me to properly establish myself as a Dominant in the community.

These were people both male and female who helped me to learn safety, showed me how to flog and whip properly, discussed things about rope work and understanding the ethics, the vibe and overall flow of the communities around me. They were able to guide me to where I could find the right information or if I felt stuck or had an issue, I could go to them and ask questions. Even today as a established Dominant in the community, there are people which I look up to and respect as “Elders” in the community. There are all sorts of different concepts and topics out there. There might be One gentlemen or Lady which you respect on a certain topic. When I sought to learn ‘Florentine flogging”, I found someone whom was an expert on the subject and approached them to learn from.

This is where being apart of the community is key, whether the community be established in person or online. In Second Life, there are a lot of established communities of different types of people. For those who are apart of Second Life, joining the group “Adult Community Education Society” or “D/s Discussions” is a good way to find out the various discussion groups which are out there. They come up daily with multiple different topics. This is a good way to reach out in the Second Life World and build relationships and friendships. Overall, you pretty much just need to show up where other BDSM practitioners are going to be about.

The most important concept to understand when seeking out a mentor is to make sure the person which you choose and establish a connection with is a good teacher for YOU. There are a lot of people out there who are great resources and have a great realm of knowledge, however if that knowledge and guidance doesn’t fit things which you are interested with, it really wouldn’t be worthwile for you. You want to find someone who knows stuff about the things which you actually want to learn. If your interested in Sadism or Masochism, someone who is interested in sadistic or masochistic play might be a better fit for you over someone who is more into sensual type play.

If your brand new and really don’t know what your looking for or interested in just yet, just get to know someone who you like, who you feel comfortable chatting with and has the same ethics as you have. Ethics are just as important as the physical aspects of play which we involve ourselves with. Ethics is more about how we go about doing things then how we do things.

Good Mentors are going to have great patience and pause allowing you to absorb things and think about thoughts and talk them through. They will know when to go about asking a question to help you think, but allow the conversation to flow in a way which is beneficial for yourself and not them.

Mentors aren’t out there to judge you. They should allow for a level of comfort which allows you to open up and speak with them. These are people who will become your trusted friends. Do you feel they are professional enough for you but allow you liberties to be yourself without casting judgement over you? If you start feeling uncomfortable or closed off with sharing things with them, these are great warning signs that this may not be the proper mentor for you.

Mentors aren’t going to know everything, but they are going to be versed in a lot of aspects that people come to them asking questions about. Like what was spoken about above, if the person your considering doesn’t seem to know a whole lot about what your talking about, it might be best to seek someone who does. You want to find someone who is in alignment with the interests and ideals which you have.

5. Understand that “Fame” does not equate to “Good Mentoring”.

Just because you see someone who is well known and famous, doesn’t necessarily mean they will be a good fit for being a good Mentor for YOU. Take time to get to know people. This is not a race. Their way of doing things may not entirely be your way of doing things. Find someone who fits you, your ethics, your morals, and your overall play styles.

Remember, the power to learning is not handing your power over to someone else and letting them tell you how things should be. This is your responsibility to make these decisions for yourself. Their knowledge and techniques is simply a pool for you to pick from to make your own path in this lifestyle.

Mentoring is not about “ego” or something for people to feel better about themselves, or feel more important in the community. How many people you mentor is not something to measure with other people. It is about helping. It is a great feeling inside to go about helping someone else who is less experienced then you. I almost find it as a way of respecting those who have mentored me to pass down the knowledge and wisdom which they gave me to others who are starting out. I got into facilitating online and running voice discussions. At first I was very nervous about doing this, but after I got a few things under my belt, I found it a great way to reach out and give apart of me back to the community. Its a great way to meet new people and even a great way to learn. Sometimes Mentees can teach Mentors. We are all different people, and have different ways of looking at things. Being a Mentor is about being open to your Mentee, to learn to listen just as much as it is important for a Mentee to be able to listen to the Mentor. There is always a give and take to any established relationship out there.

The most important thing about being a mentor is being honest with yourself and honest with other people. Be upfront of what you do know and what you don’t know. If you pretend to go out there and know more then you do to try to put on a show to impress people, your not just doing a disservice to other people, but your doing one to yourself. Karma has a good way of biting you in the ass if you don’t respect it. People can get hurt out there both physically and mentally if you give improper advise, and it will come back to look poorly on you one way or another. Just be up front, be realistic, and communicate. Telling someone you don’t know something, doesn’t make you weak. Your not going to loose your “Master Card”.

Throughout my time, I have found that both in the real world and online, a lot of people claim the title or term “poly”. This is a very healthy and honest thing to claim, however the troubles begin when people begin to confuse polysexual and polyamorous.

So what exactly are the differences?

Polysexual

Polysexual is defined as having multiple sexual relationships without the attachment of love. The most basic analogy I can give to this are “swingers”, who involve themselves in sexual activities with multiple partners. It is the best way for which I can describe Polysexual.

Polyamorous

Polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. They are built upon the values of communication, trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compassion (compersion).  There is transparency involved. These people are emotionally involved with each other and sometimes even consider themselves a family.

So am I Polysexual or am I Polyamorous?

I have seen various forms of “poly” based relationships. I think it just comes down to being honest with yourselves and your partners. If you wish to get emotionally involved with your partners or not. I have seen houses and poly “communities” which have been formed. There are several on second life which simply are poly sexual. The submissives/slaves serve the Dominants but there just aren’t any emotional ties involved. There might be a general kinship or friendship involved, but “love” just isn’t in the picture. I, the typist, happen to believe to several Poly Communities which I would simply place under the term “Polysexual”.

Going back to being honest, this is where I feel things can either make or break a relationship apart. I have seen a lot of guys who enter a “Monogamos” which we all know is a one on one relationship and the man suddenly has a urge to bring in a second partner. I have seen some guys who think that their submissive/slave should have no say in the situation and they end up fighting with each other over concepts of jealousy and other insecurities which begin to arise. Submissive A as we will call her begins to feel feelings that they aren’t enough for the Dominant, or the dominant has grown tired of him/her. Can you change someone who has a monogamous mindset? Perhaps overtime, but I don’t think this is something for which should be forced upon someone. This goes back to the concept of honesty. When you establish the relationship, you should have a really firm understanding of what your looking for.

How do we introduce a second partner into our relationship?

Again, this all depends on the people involved. The most healthiest way which this typist has found is to upfront and honesty. Introduce the two together and see how they both react. Do they both get along with each other? I would not expect two girls to love each other, but there must be some basic balance of friendship and the ability to get along without each of them trying to get at each other. Communication is important to see if both are comfortable and overtime if there is, then the next steps can be taken. Everyone in the relationship should feel healthy and comfortable with each other for a “Polyamorous” relationship to exist and thrive.

Compersion

We have used this term a few times in this discussion.

Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.

When a submissive/slave sees that their dominant is experiencing joy or happiness through another, it makes them happy. The relationship is not a “competition” to see who can get more attention with the dominant. You can’t order, command or demand compersion. Some would say it is either there or it is not there.

Overall, it is the Dominant’s responsibility to make each person involved in the relationship feel secure, valued, loved, respected and cherished. Once this is established, and your partners understand and have compersion, then there should be no issues. You won’t have to face issues such as jealousy or insecurities, because things will be balanced. That is the key to making a Polyamorous relationship work.

My login for my blog which I happen to use is “Master”, a word for which I use to define myself. Each and everyday I login to my blog to make my personal journal entries, but its lead me to wonder as of late what really does the word mean to me..

According to the Webster’s Dictionary the word “Master” and “Mastery” is defined as….

mas·ter

/ˈmæstər, ˈmɑstər/ Show Spelled [mas-ter, mah-ster] Show IPA

Understanding the differences between discipline and punishment is important. It is very critical to have a firm understanding of the process of both and how they are separate and how they also relate to each other.

As a society in this modern day world, the majority crave social order and seek a more modern “regular” existence. In this world there are several levels of authority from the government within our own countries and then within the business world, a boss or chief executive officer. It is up to this authority to bring about that law and order, instruct the group as a whole in the rules for that group, and any infractions against those rules are dealt with. Within the establishment of this level of law and order, the concepts of discipline and punishment come into play.

Etymology and Definition of Discipline and Punishment.

Discipline is related to the word “Disciple” or follower, therefore discipline is the knowledge that is given by a leader to his or her followers. Discipline refers to the training activities, methodologies and motivation techniques which we might employ within a leader/follower relationship, or even with ourselves (“self-discipline”).

Punishment comes from the verb “punish” which traces its roots back to the word “penalty” or “Great Loss”. Punishment refers to a penalty that has been inflicted for an actual “perceived” fault. An example of this would be a dog being swatted with a newspaper for chewing on your favorite shoe.

Understanding Discipline

In the lifestyle, Discipline is the action taken by a dominant to teach and mold a submissive the way that Dominant prefers. Discipline is training intended to produce a specific characteristic or pattern of behavior. It is also a state of order based on submitting to rules and authority of the Dominant. The dominant sets out what they want the submissive/slave to do or understand and uses discipline to set those rules in place, to teach and guide. Discipline is not about correcting, which is what “punishment” comes into play.

Let’s say for example you want to teach your submissive to focus on your “sexual needs” and not her own. A dominant might choose to use some form of a positive reinforcement to train the submissive to respond in a specific way in a specific situation. When the submissive is thinking of their sexual needs and getting aroused, you might have that submissive/slave pleasuring you in some fashion while denying them sexual gratification. This is usually in the training of orgasm denial. Is orgasm denial a punishment? Not necessarily because you are not “correcting” the submissive, you are “teaching and guiding the submissive.”

Discipline leads to the concepts of “Self Discipline” and “Self Regulation”. There comes a time where you will want the submissive/slave to be able to think for themselves, to make proper decisions and choices based on the rules and regulations which you are teaching them. Discipline in itself will never stop as there is always something to learn and something to teach, but after a while you would want the submissive/slave to be able to choose what is proper for themselves, building up good self-discipline within themselves to serve you.

Understanding Punishment

Punishment is a tool which is utilized by a Dominant when a submissive/slave has been willfully disobedient and has knowingly disobeyed a command or done something incorrectly. It is a response or the consequence to something which is wrong.

Consider our example before on sexual gratification and trying to get the submissive to focus on the Dominant. Let’s say for example that the submissive does in fact touch themselves and bring themselves to orgasm using their fingers. The dominant might decide to take a switch and smack the submissive’s genitals or perhaps the submissive/slave’s hands with the switch. This is punishing the person for doing something they were not supposed to be doing.

When punishing a submissive/slave there are several very important concepts to understand:

First, never punish when you are not completely calm. If you are emotional in any sense, it might be best to wait till you have calmed down. Emotions can render a Dominant’s ability to make proper and justified decisions null. Using proper techniques to give pause to a situation such as having a submissive/slave kneel in a specific position for punishment, having them go to their room and await you to join them when you are ready, or by telling them to stand in the corner. These are all techniques to use to give pause of time to allow you to get yourself under control in order to handle the situation properly. Sometimes we as Dominants act out in anger in inappropriate ways.

Punishments should be carried out and handled as soon as possible. It might not be possible to punish a submissive right there and then but waiting longer periods of time may end up damaging the essence of the punishment.

Ensure that the Punishment fits the crime. If a punishment is too soft it might not help the submissive to learn from the infraction. A dominant should always be quite clear and make sure the submissive understands why they are being punished. This can be accomplished two ways, by simply telling them or asking them what they did wrong to ensure they understand what they did wrong and why they are being punished.

One of the worst punishments which can be inflicted on a submissive/slave is taking away the privilege of serving the Dominant. This might be not calling them when you normally would, or removing them from your presence for a period of time. A personal example was having a submissive stand to the side of the room while she watched me washing the dishes, normally something for which she does after I have spent a hard time cooking and preparing the meal and she knew this, and knew WHY I was doing the dishes and cleaning and why she was made to watch. This was detrimental to her as a submissive, because she lost that right to serve me, as she knew I wanted her to.

Sometimes the emotional impact on a submissive/slave when they are punished can be extreme. They tend to be harder on themselves when they know that they have failed or upset their Dominant and tend to punish themselves internally far greater then you could ever punish them.

Finally, when you have rendered a punishment the same concepts of aftercare come into play if not more so. You want to forgive the submissive for their infractions and let it go. Hounding on something over and over again can be detrimental. We’re not here as dominants to hold a grudge or let something linger on. There needs to be forgiveness and absolution. This is a critical component to the submissive accepting the consequences and moving on from them. If you cannot move on, how exactly do you expect them to do so?

Physical Contact for both Discipline and Punishment.

Some consider “Whipping” merely to be an act of punishment and not something which you would find used for discipline. However, this is very much a misconception. A whip could be used for both discipline and punishment; it is merely the intent or the emotions which are behind what and why it is being used. A submissive may greatly enjoy being whipped. It can be a sense of release for the submissive, especially those who are masochist and crave pain along with pleasure. The Dominant could want the submissive/slave to learn to accept a whipping for a mixture of pain and pleasure, and wishes that submissive/slave to learn to enjoy being whipped. However, that same submissive could turn round and be punished with a whip. There is a different atmosphere and mindset which is behind why it is being done. The submissive/slave knows they have done wrong, knows that the Dominant is displeased or upset with them. This dominant isn’t whipping the submissive/slave for their own pleasure or the exchange of pleasurable energy between the Dominant and submissive/slave but because they are “correcting” a “wrong doing” of some kind. This is where the differences come into play.