Safe Impact Play Workshop

Impact play in the lifestyle can be a fun and exciting activity between a dominant and a submissive/slave It covers a wide variety and range of playstyles and various different techniques, some of which we are going to talk about here in this workshop. With such a wide range of playstyles and techniques available, it is very important to understand the safety behind these various different playstyles. There is much more to it then just picking up a paddle or a flogger and smacking your submissive’s ass with it.

So lets discuss the different types of play styles and techniques which are available to us as Dominants.

There are two basic categories of “impact play” which we find in the world of BDSM:

““Erotic Spanking”

In “erotic spanking”, the submissive is struck either with a Dominant’s open palm or hand, or a rigid implement, each coming with their own name for the various activity.

• Paddle referred to as “Paddling”
• Crop referred to as “Cropping”
• Cane referred to as “Caning”

There are also implements known as slappers or smackers. These consist of a semi flexible leather paddle with rounded and tapered edges, designed specifically to minimize the severity of the impacting strike.

“Erotic Flagellation”

In “erotic flagellation”, which is defined as a S&M act in which the participant receives erotic stimulation from whipping or being whipped, the submissive is struck with a flexible implement such as a switch, a whip, or a belt. Whips are classified in two specific categories, based on the number of falls they have. Falls are the leather bit(s) which hang down from the handle used to strike the submissive/slave with.

• Single Tails:  These include whips which have a single fall such as a bullwhip. It is usually referred to as whipping or single tailing.
• Floggers: These include implements with have many falls such as a cat-o-nine tails, or the general flogger. It is referred to as flogging.

There are other less common forms of impact play such as “face slapping” and punching which will be loosely covered at the end of this article.

“Thuddy verses Stingy”

The next important concept is understanding the differences between thuddy and stingy. These sensations depend on two things, the area which is being struck and the implement which is chosen to be used. For wider implements as those mentioned in the “spanking” section above, the sensation is spread out to a wider area of the body thus giving a “thuddy” sensation to the body. Narrower implements such as those mentioned in the erotic flagellation will impact a much smaller area of the skin and give off a more “stingy” sensation.

“Understanding Floggers”

When it comes to floggers, it depends on the various sizes of the falls, how the flogger is used, and where exactly the person is striking the other person.

First, the sizing of the flogger can make a great difference to whether or not you get a stinging sensation or a thuddy sensation. Floggers which have wider thicker falls will tend to give off a more thuddy sensation, verses ones which have smaller falls. How you go about striking the person with the flogger will also depend upon how exactly the person will feel sensation wise from the strike.

“Single stroke flogging” involves focusing on one single strike at a time. The flogger falls are usually grasped together to draw them close and then a underhanded movement of the wrist while throwing the arm forward to strike a place on the submissive’s body one strike at a time. These tend to involve the length of the flogger, which can depending on the size of the flogger again either give a stingy or thuddy sensation.

“Cycling flogging” is a series of strokes that flow into the next stroke, continuously. This builds up momentum and usually brings about a more rhythmic pattern in the strokes. Cycling flogging can involve the larger length of the flogger which could bring about either a thuddy or stingy sensation, or the very edges or tips of the flogger which tend to bring more of a stingy sensation over thuddy. However, both of course depending on how the strike is made can bring about either sensation involved.

“Understanding Wrapping”

Wrapping is a HUGE MISTAKE on the flogger’s technique and is something to avoid at all times. It Is when the tips of the talls or the falls themselves wrap around the curved portion of the submissive’s body such as the buttocks, legs, and hips, and shoulders. Have you ever heard that cracking sound when a whip strikes out, that actually comes from the whip moving faster then the speed of sound. Believe it or not, the implement in this case can gain tremendous amount of force and speed at the same time and if the person who is doing the flogging looses control over the flogger, it can cause considerable amount of damage and strike someone in an area which they were not intended to be struck. When flogging, the person doing the flogger should never loose sight of where exactly the flogger is going to strike. This comes down to focusing. Practice makes perfect here in this situation. It is recommended to take a pillow or a blanket folded upwards and try to work the flogger so that it strikes exactly where you want it to, and exactly where your eyes are focused upon.

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“The elements of a impact play scene”

Understanding the elements which are involved in a scene are important. I always compare them to a bell curve where they slowly begin to go up, rise to a peek and then sharply come down to slow off and the end with a nice crescendo at the very end, followed by proper aftercare.

“Stage one: The Warm Up”

Warming up is very similar to preparing the mind and body for what is about to come. For those who do any type of exercise, if you don’t warm yourself up, you could end up doing considerable amount of damage from strain to pulling a muscle, to possibly deeper muscle or tissue damage. This is the same when it comes to doing any sort of implement play. We don’t want to shock the body with anything specifically extreme, so warming up prepares to dealing with the shock which might come.

Warming up involves giving your partner a few light strokes to start. I tend to usually let them feel the implement I am going to use by slowly rubbing it over their skin and then lightly giving them a few taps, followed by other sensations. This isn’t something which should be rushed. The more time you spend at warming someone up, the more prepared the submissive will be. One of the biggest concepts when it comes down to flogging is accuracy. This is more important then anything, and just like spoken above when it comes to wrapping, practice makes perfect. The more you practice, the better your accuracy and focus will become.

“Stage two: Peeking the Scene”

Once you have warmed your partner up, getting into the bulk of the scene is what comes next. A mixture of pleasure and pain is optional but not required. It depends on what type of sensations you which to build in your partner. When it comes to the impact play, remember that it is a race of adrenaline and endorphins in the submissive’s body. The further you go, the closer to subspace the will become, although subspace might not entirely happen,

Once you get moving and into a routine, keeping eyes on what your doing is key. Watch the coloring of the skin. This will give you a good indicator to how far you are going. Understanding if your partner is ok with being marked is also important. The harder you hit, the type of implement you use, and the length of time you hit one spot can make marks appear. Mixing up strikes with massaging or touching, bringing a bit of an intimate touch mixture with your impact play can make for a great and fun scene. I sometimes like to have ice available, but remember ice and cold water will cause the skin to toughen up, making the impacts even more stronger on the surface of the skin, and the likelihood for bruising or even possibly breaking the skin even more possible.

“Stage Three: The crescendo”

The “crescendo” as we call it is the top of the peek. This is the desired effect which you want to instill in the submissive. It might be an orgasm after you give a mixture of pleasure or pain, or the peek of the impact play. Whatever it may be, your focus on the submissive is key at this point. You need to watch closely to how  he or she is responding, to ensure you don’t put them over the edge.

“Stage four: The Downward spiral”

After your reach the peek, you will begin with a downwards spiral. The submissive’s body and mind at this point might be spent. They will be numb, limp and at times just come crashing back down to ear. Allowing them to come down gently by bringing them down, slowing the strikes, coming close to hold them, focusing on their breathing, the beat of their heart and getting them to come down close enough that you can take them and begin aftercare. Remember aftercare is key especially in impact play scenes. You need to treat not only the submissive’s mind but the submissive’s body. You are impacting their body, so there will be some degree of damage which you will need to tend in in one way shape or form. Aloe for bruised skin, healing jel for anything else. Get a good idea of skin care. I tend to have things like ice and skin lotion available, and after a nice massage, and tending to whatever marks or bruising there might be on their bodies. Having bandages available for any open areas. After you tend to the submissive, always make sure to tend to your toys. Cleaning them, wiping them down and storing them away is important to make sure you play safe and they last you a long time.

Responsible flogging or the use of any implement really comes down to accuracy, research, practice and communication with your partner. It is even recommended that you sit down with someone who has a wide range or a strong level of experience with flogging, and/or who has been flogged, to get a better understanding of what is happening and how to do things the right way. It is meant to be fun, erotic and arousing, but it is also something which is extremely dangerous, as with any activities which have risks involved with them. Take time to understand, practice, and get to know what your doing before deciding to do it to someone. The submissive’s life is in your hands as a Dominant.

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“Understanding Human Anatomy”

To be experienced at impact play, it is very important to have a firm understanding of the human body. Remember, your striking the body, this does come with risks. There are areas which are great to flog and areas which should be avoided at ALL COSTS due to the vulnerability and potential for damage.

The following diagram is taken from the website asibdsm.com and all courtesy and respect given:

[INSERT DIAGRAM HERE]

The areas are color coded from GREEN to RED.

• Green: All clear, do your worst or best!
• Yellow: Risky Zones – use caution when directly hitting these areas or how frequent you hit them.
• Red: Danger Danger Danger, just stay away from these areas
• Purple: HELL NO! In no event or time should you ever even THINK of going near these areas with a flogger. Not happening.

Educating yourself about where some of the most vulnerable areas which you can do extreme damage is key. These areas should be avoided at all cost due to how delicate they are.

• Kidneys: Located in the area of the back between the bottom of the ribcage and the top of the butt.
• Tailbone: Located at the base of the spine. It can become cracked or broken when struck by any implement.
• Hips: The sides of the buttocks and along the boney part of the hips. There are several delicate nerves close to the surface of the skin here and the hip bone can easily become cracked if struc.
• Spine: Up and down the center of the back. It has several very small delicate bones which can become cracked or bruised. Damage to the spinal chord itself can leave with potential for large back problems.
• Neck: This is a very sensitive area. The neck is the transport highway for lot of important arteries and veins transporting blood to and from your limbs and your head. You also have various glands, tendons, lymph nodes, your larynx, voice box.. yeah just stay away from here.
• Face: Sometimes people will use face slapping as part of the impact play, but there are lot of very delicate things such as your sinus, your mouth, eyes, lips, cheekbones, jawbones which can become easily damaged. No one should be taking any implements near this part of the body.
• Ears:  Hitting the ears could cause lot of damage to your hearing. There are delicate tiny bones along with the drum itself which can become easily damaged if not careful.

“The Leather Butt Condition”

This is a condition when an area of the body is struck too many times, it ends up desensitizing that particular part of the body, killing the nerves which are what transports the sensations and feelings to our brains. It also can cause the skin to toughen up and bring about a large amount of scar tissue. This is something which is wanting to be avoided at all costs. You can avoid this happening by varying your techniques, durations, or areas. Move from one area of the body to another. Don’t always strike the same area.

Part Two: Service and Serving – The Virtual World

In part one of this article, we discussed service as a non sexual way for submissives to serve Dominants. We looked at the various motivations behind service, and the direct details of how a submissive can serve in a non sexual manner. In the virtual world, these same concepts still exist but they can get a bit more complicated due to the limitations which we see in the virtual world.

Unlike the real world, obviously the ideas of walking the dogs, doing laundry, or house cleaning which might be very basic ways of serving don’t entirely exist, least without a bit of creative roleplay which might make them capable, but very uncommon. However there are vastly huge ways which a submissive can still be in service to a Dominant which would reflect the same beliefs and concepts of a service oriented submissive which we might see in the real world.

I have seen established houses in Second Life and other virtual environments which have some of the same fundamental foundations which we find in the real world. Is it possible to provide non sexual service to a dominant online? Of course there is, it just takes a bit of a creative mindset, but there are plenty of things which you can do, to assist your partner, as if you were there in the real world.

• Scripting (Second Life)
• Building Sims (Second Life)
• Providing Instructional or Educational means for other submissives
• Singing for a Dominant
• Reading a story, poetry, or other creative writing
• Roleplay, Roleplay, Roleplay!

These are just a hand full of ways which a submissive can serve in a domestic manner or as a service oriented submissive. The final one beign repeated twice, roleplay, is a way which a submissive can use a bit of emoting, some creative words, and actually act out things such as preparing a meal, providing a drink, massaging, these are all things which are possible in an online environment. Even things such as doing chores is very possible. I have seen some places which have things which become dirty over time, requiring to be dusted, and submissives out there with their duster in hand making sure they are kept clean. This gives them the virtual image of being a maid and keeping a house clean. A clever dominant could figure ways to build discipline, punishment and even reward into situations such as this.

“The Serve”

Over the years you see an intricate series of roleplay which involves serving food or drink. This seems to be one of the more common ways a submissive can be of service to a dominant. It spans from the “Gorean” lifestyle online, a roleplay lifestyle which was created based on a series of books by John Norman. In these books he describes this type of service, from privately owned slaves serving their masters, to tavern slaves serving a patron in the tavern. Over the years, this has been virtualized into a series of posts made by slaves online in service to a dominant type figure depicting movement, preparing the drink, and down to presenting the drink to that dominant.

Later on this has expended to doing chores, and other means of service online. This type of roleplay has slipped into other virtual realms of various different types of roleplay environments. Anything is possible with the written word, it just takes a bit of imagination, creativity and common sense. So get out there and give it a true, who knows, you might find the same fulfillments of doing these types of things for a dominant, as one would receive in the real world, and you might just be a service oriented submissive.

The concept of “providing service” as a submissive has certainly changed over the years, with no help from the media and porn industry. In today’s world, when one thinks on “providing service”, nine out of ten times it is in a sexual manner or of some sexual activity to be performed. The images of a girl dressed in a skimpy French maid’s outfit with a duster in her hand. In walks the Dominant who bends her over the desk and the scene immediately turns to something sexual.

Is this what providing service is all about or is there more to it?

Believe it or not, there is a lot more to “providing service” then sex and play. There are even those out there who don’t even play but find arousal or fulfillment with providing service to another.

So what exactly is the definition of “service” in the lifestyle?

The definition of “service” is any activity or function that you can fulfill to make your partner’s life easier or to some extent making him or her happy. In truth, if we look at this, both the Dominant and submissive in a D/s based role provide service for each other, which we will look into in just a bit.

Understanding the “Service Oriented Submissive”

You tend to find service oriented submissive types in a 24/7 based dynamic where they live with the dominant, but just about any submissive can get fulfillment from providing services to Dominants. These types of submissives provide for the dominant things to make the life of the Dominant easier as we spoke above in the definition. This tends to begin for the 24/7 couple at the time of waking up and going all the way till they fall asleep in the evening.

In the morning, a service oriented submissive may be given tasks to accomplish each morning, laying out the dominant’s clothing, preparing breakfast and that very nectar of the gods most of us live off of in the morning, a cup of coffee. It goes on throughout the day, tending to chores around the house maintaining various housekeeping tasks such as cleaning up, doing laundry, doing the dishes, preparing dinner.. all of these ideas of how a submissive can provide service for a dominant. Consider the pure housewife who doesn’t work but works to maintain the household.

Now these ideas don’t entirely sound all that enjoying. Who could possibly get fulfillment from doing laundry besides having sex on the washing machine while its going? With service orientated submissive, they get fulfillment ot because it directly makes them happy, or they get direct pleasure from it, but it makes the person they are doing it for happy. They focus their energy on being useful.

In my time,  I have found that all submissives to some degree crave direction, stability and overall being found as useful or pleasing. This tends to drive them emotionally to a very long degree. There is a give and take which happens between dominants here and submissives. As I spoken before, even Dominants provide a ‘level’ of service to submissives. The dominant provides the environment, structure and foundation for the submissive to be useful to the needs of the dominant. The submissive gets the satisfaction of being useful, pleasing to the dominant doing something worthwhile and making that dominant function more efficiently.

“Understanding the types of Service”

There are two key types of service which can be provided by submissives.

Anticipatory or Proactive

This mean being able to anticipate the needs of the Dominant without the dominant asking for things. this tends to happen after the submissive has been with the Dominant for awhile, understands what the dominant needs are. For example, the dominant is to be returning home from work soon… a proactive submissive might prepare things to make things comfortable for the dominant when they get home. This might include laying out more comfortable clothing to change into, preparing a drink for the dominant to enjoy, or a snack before dinner is to be served. These things are done without the dominant having to ask for such to be done. Routines can be established and observed, and this is where anticipation and being proactive falls into place.

Reactive

Reactive is more about obeying direct commands or orders, being given tasks to accomplish, or simply being directed by the dominant. This takes a bit of skill to listening and being alert, which we will go into in just a moment.

“Understanding the motivation behind service”

Another interesting thing to look at is the “Why” behind a service oriented submissive. We spoke that they get fulfillment out of serving, but what is the motivation for the submissive in providing service. From research from various psychological and lifestyle references, it is really broken down to three types of motivational factors.

Transitional motivation

This is a reward based system. The submissive provides service to the dominant in hopes to earn something for doing a good job, or a good deed, or overall being pleasing. They provide service in hopes the dominant will make use of them in bed for the evening is one prime example. This might be great for portions of the time, but a submissive cannot rely on reward for every single thing which they do.

Devotional Motivation

“I am doing this because I love you sooo much”. This type of motivation strictly lays on emotion. A submissive will do something out of the emotions which they have for the person. This is a back and forth concept, the dominant makes the submissive happy so the submissive strives to make the dominant happy, out of love. The flip side to this however is, if this is the only motivational factor there, well what happens when the submissive is in a fowl mood, or the couple are arguing or fighting which does tend to happen, no matter how submissive someone is, we are all human beings here, with emotions. Will the submissive continue to do what they are told or do, or expected to do by the dominant, even if they are mad? As much as this is a strong motivation for submissives to ‘serve’ it really cannot be the only reason.

Positional Motivation

“I live to serve and be pleasing, this is my position in life”. Some submissives tend to fall into a roll of this is who I am, this is what I am about, thus I must be of service to Dominants, or ‘my’ Dominant. To some this position is a general position where to others it is a position which only is connected with their partner directly. This goes more deeper into poly verses mono based relationships, and community based settings which we see this. As a dominant, I tend to enjoy a good flogging. It is very relaxing and is very much a form of massage. I had given a flogger to someone and asked them to hit me with it. As much as they tried, they just could not do it for one reason or another. It was just not in them to do this. This falls under this category of motivation.

Overall, I tend to find people who dip into each of these three basic categories when it comes to providing service. They tend to have a sense of this is what they are, doing this out of emotional for the person, sometimes wishing to have some form of a reward for what they do, a give and take as they say. I’ve always used the glass of water example where a submissive needs to get back just as much as they give. If you keep pouring water out of the glass without refilling it at some point, all your going to get is a empty glass at some point, with nothing left to give.  So whether it is emotion, stability and direction, a sense of being, or the reward, submissives need to have some form of a motivation for providing the service they provide.

“Fundamental Skills of Service”

There are several key fundamental skills when it comes to providing service.

• Be on time!
• Ability to follow clear instruction
• Remaining silent when being told to do so, or being directed.
• Learn how to focus on the Dominant speaking and listen
• Ask for clarification when instructions are not clear.
• Report shortcomings, mistakes, and failures as quickly as possible.
• Accept criticism without emotional reactions or outbursts.

These seven direct skills will help you as a submissive to be able to provide proper service to whom you are providing that service to. Remember about the motivations we spoke about. Dominants tend not to like submissives who show aggression, attitude or contempt when they are serving. This can lead tobad feelings and possible damage to the overall relationship. Keeping a clear head, keeping yourself in check as a submissive, and understanding the reasons your doing what your doing, will help things go more smoothly. Remember, when your providing service, your doing things for the Dominant, and He or She is always right with what they want.

The second skills are what I call “disciplines”. These are skills sometimes are very direct, usually come from a level of education, or training the person has gone through in order to provide these types of skills. I have seen submissives who are apart of a overall household for a very specific reason, or a very specific skill set which they can provide that household. Here is a very very short list of some examples to these types of disciplines.

• Animal caretaker or trainer
• Hair Stylist or Barber
• Caretaker, caterer, or Cook/Chef
• Cleaner, Housekeeping Specalist
• Medical Specialist (Doctor, Nurse, EMT)
• Therapist (Massage, Psychological)
• Gardener or Grounds keeper
• Butler
• Personal Assistant or Secretary
• Accountant
• Valet
• Computer Specialist
• Engineer / Car Repair  etc. etc.

This list can go on and on to pretty much anything which one might do as a “Career” to some degree.

So as you can see, there is much more to providing service to a dominant or dominants then just play or sexual activities.  Part 2 of this article will cover providing service in an online environment or virtual world like second life.

“Punishments” is one of the many tools which Dominants have in their toolbox for teaching and controlling our submissives out there.

Let us begin with a brief definition of what “Punishment” really means. Punishment is the art of correcting a submissive/slave from doing something wrong. It is correcting behaviors which we as Dominants don’t approve of.

For example, let us say that we give a rule to our submissives that they have to be in bed by 10pm and they agree to that rule. The submissive reports that she/he forgot about the rule and went to bed at 1am in the morning, which is deliberately against the Dominants rule. We would use some form of punishment in order to get across to the submissive, that we do not approve of this behavior, so we choose to “punish” them.

One of the key points which was always drilled through my head is “Let the punishment ‘fit’ the crime”.

So, what exactly is considered a punishment?

Like most things, society tends to have quite a crude overview of what our lifestyle really is about. You ask around about punishments and the first thing which usually drops into people’s head that punishments tend to require something painful like caning, whipping or down right spanking.

In truth and reality that is not always necessary for a punishment. The end goal for a Dominant when it comes to punishing, is we want something which will stick in the submissive’s head and they will ‘remember’ it. Remember, we’re trying to correct behaviors which we do not approve of, so we want something which will last, something the submissive will remember.

Does this require pain all of the time?

The answer to this question is “No”. I actually tend to find punishments which are creative and just out there, are those which tend to get remembered the most. A spanking or a caning can easily become forgotten, but if you build on something which makes the submissive/slave think, you got a better chance of them remembering it.

Just recently, I was djing for a place and made a direct comment that I wasn’t going to take “Disney Songs” as requests. One of the submissives thought it would be humorous and begin to mouth off Disney songs privately to me. This of course annoyed me to some degree, so how exactly did I choose to respond to it?

Would spanking or caning her be the right response to this, or is there something else which I could of done to get the point across?

I choose the take one of those old fashioned mickey mouse hats you find in the 90s or 80s and give it to the submissive to wear for a week’s time, informing her that if anyone of the lifestyle confronts her and asks about the hat, that she would have to explain to those people, what exactly it meant and what it’s purpose is. This keeps what had happened fresh in the submissive’s mind, and makes the punishment a bit more “fun and playful” verses “painful and dark”.

There are many different ways which you can go about punishing a submissive or slave.

• Make them wear something unusual like the mickey mouse ears, or a clown’s nose.
• Write something on their bodies which they will see when they get undressed
• Adding things or taking things away, such as panties in either sense. Perhaps making them wear panties if they are not used or haven’t for awhile or visa verse.
• “Writing Lines on the chalk board”
• Kneeling and repeating a phrase over and over again.
• Dying their hair a specific color, perhaps something they don’t entirely like.
• Taking their cellphone away (Omg how would they go about their day!)
• Having them sleep on the couch or in another room and not with you.

These are pretty much off the top of my head in a span of two minutes of thinking. As you can see none of these punishments have anything to do with pain.

I remember a time in elementary school where I put a frog inside a teacher’s desk. I had to stay after school and write “I shall not put animals inside the teacher’s desk” about 1000 times on the chalk board. You can bet your bottom, I didn’t do it again.

Just remember a few key points. “Creative Non painful” punishments tend to lead into the mental realm of things. Make sure just as spoken above, the punishment fits the crime. You should also as a dominant, follow the very basic fundamental rules when it comes to punishing a submissive or slave. Make sure you provide aftercare, don’t over do it because a submissive or slave can tend to take things out on themselves far more then we ever could.

Punishments can be fun and creative as long as you get your lesson across, and correct the behavior your correcting. If you can do such in a non impact, non painful way and still get the lesson into the submissive or slave’s head, I say the more creative the better. At the end, it always leads to having good stories to leave behind and a good memory to remember. The key point here is remembering, so they won’t do it again.

It is well documented that the biggest sexual organ in either a male or
female’s body is not what is between our legs, but what is above our neads, the
brain. “Dirty Talk” or “Pillow Talk” as I call it here is one of the various
tools found in the dominant’s toolbox. Not only is it a great way to arouse a
submissive, but it can be very useful for a beginning couple as they work to
negotiate and get to know each other.

Think of this senario for example: Your dominant coming close to you,
bringing his lips to touch your earlobe, whispering words of intimacy to you.
This person being so close, the sensation of the warmth of his breath, or the
deep erotic feeling which runs down your spine and out through your entire body
of a shared hushed erotic secret?

Erotic Talking during “foreplay” or even throughout the entire scene arouses
the mind which triggers just about everything within our body. Remember, that
our mind is our major processing center of our entire body. What we smell,
taste, feel, see and even hear is all processed by our minds. THat is why we can
cry at a sad story, or feel fear from a scary movie, or laugh at a joke. Our
body physically responds to what our senses pick up. This is an important
concept for Dominants to be understanding of.

Some people can be very closed off to dirty talk. They feel shy or nervous,
becomming very uncomfortable with the idea of dirty talk. Never fear, even for
those who are very shy, adhering to few tips of the trade, you can become quite
an expert to this trade.

1. First and foremost relax yourself by taking a deep calming breath and
   let it out slowly. I tend to use this as a trigger for myself to place me
   into the space. When you begin to speak, use a very soft and low confidant
   voice. Enunciate your words as you speak. Remember that assertiveness and
   confidance are the keys to any submissive’s mind. By doing this, you are
   using your very voice to bring her closer to you both pysically and
   mentally. Your building a want inside her.
2. Your playing with senses here and multiple senses at once can pull a
   submissive towards you deeper. As your using sound, use the sense of touch
   also. Use your lips to touch gently against your ear, allow your breath to
   flow from your lips to brush over her ear. This can sometimes even be a
   trigger for some submissives. Use your hands while your doing this. Two
   great places to start are the girl’s breasts and her neck. Don’t necessarily
   go straight for between her legs, take time, your building the scene up
   right now, so don’t be so quick for physical pleasure.
3. Start out very simple using the strong power of suggestion. Speak about
   how you will slowly undress her, how you will remove each bit of garment
   from her body. Use this to build ideas for the scene to see how she will
   react. As you get better at this, you will be able to add aspects to the
   scene, suggesting what you *MIGHT* do to her. You don’t always have to be
   specific or even do what you suggest, this is all about suggestion here.
   Your plucking the strings of her body. This is also a good way to gauge her
   reaction. Does she moan when you speak about flogging her, does she whimper
   when you talk about sliding a knife over her skin? Does she freeze up? This
   is a great way to introduce new ideas and see how she might react to them,
   and then you can judge whether or not you wish to bring things aspects into
   the scene itself.
4. Use different types of suggestive phrases like “I want to feel the
   wetness on the tips of my fingers or even good girls get spankings on
   occassion, have you been a good girl or a bad girl? You can use a lot of
   play acting here to build upon the scene itself, putting her in the
   mindspace you want her. Remember that once you have captured the mind, the
   body follows along with it.
5. Use your primal inner animal inside yourself. Mix growling or moaning,
   or purring depending on your gender type. This can also add to the over all
   feeling of what is going on.

These are five key steps, but this is all about using your own creativity and
your own imagination. As spoken before, not only is this a tool and a good place
to start the scene, but also a great place to check out new ideas, and watch how
your partner is going to respond to them. I sometimes will use concepts from the
book whether I am in Gor, I may pull things like the slave paces from the book.
The Story of O, I use the beginning words spoken to O when she’s being
introduced into the chateau about how her body is not hers anymore, and each
part of her is to serve the Masters of the Chateau. This is is all play acting,
and a bit of storytelling concepts, but once you have mastered this, this is a
really great place to begin “foreplay” which will be spoken more in later
pieces.

So get out there and strut your stuff. Remember, practice makes perfect. As
you do it more and more, you will grow more and more confident with yourself as
a Dominant and confidant with your parter till it will become almost automatic,
and you will be able to pluck the very chords of her mind with your voice and
your touch.  Good Luck!

“Definition of Mentor”

• a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.
• an influential senior sponsor or supporter.

Examples of “Mentors”

• A young intern was mentored by the country’s top heart surgeon
• After college, her professor became her close friend and mentor.
• we volunteer as Mentors to disadvantaged children.
• The Master Craftsmen mentors his students in his arts

So by definition, a Mentor is someone who offers guidance, support and teaching. They act as a role model for the person being mentored to look up to. They aren’t there to make a carbon copy of themselves but to help the person to be whoever they wish to be.

• Knowledge of the Subject being Mentored
• Good teaching and Guidance Skills
• Good Communication Skills
• Good Leadership Skills
• Be Trustworthy
• Good Relationship and Friendship skills

A wise mentor may have all of the knowledge in the world for whatever field or subject there is. They may be a true master in whatever is being taught, but without the skills to impart that knowledge, it can never be passed on properly and healthy.

A “Mentor” is a learned friend, a teacher for which has earned someone’s trust enough to become a confidant, where necessary, is able to give good support, advice and overall guidance, without being blocked by their own personal beliefs and ideas. They can keep a open mind without prejudice and able and open to views from different areas at all times.

A proper “Mentor” in the world of BDSM should have a good foundation of knowledge of the aspects of the lifestyle, the ethical side of things as well as the skills and experience in play. They will have a full range of knowledge on technique, safety, and the practical implementation of what they are mentoring. There are mentors out there who are overall, who have a wide range of ethical and physical knowledge, and those who are “Masters” at a certain craft or skill.

A good mentor will encourage not try to train. They will not try to make carbon copies of themselves, but encourage those whom they are mentoring to seek out knowledge for themselves through other books and the massive amount of resources which are out there. “Google” is your friend is something which I tell anyone who approaches me looking to find knowledge out there. The problem comes down to weeding through what is good knowledge and what is poor. That Is truthfully on a person to person judgement call, as we are all different in what we do and how we absorb things.

There is a great VAST difference between a mentor and a trainer. A mentor is a guide, someone who is willing to hold your hand and walk the path with you, not for you. Mentors usually will not engage with the person being mentored in aspects of play. They won’t be imposing restrictions or punishments upon you, and won’t be telling you what to do and what not to do. These things are usualy left up to those who take on more of a “Trainer” or potential “Dominant” role.

The short answer to this is No, you do not technically need a mentor to practice in BDSM. However, it is nice to have someone for which you trust and value their input to run things by, especially when your new and just starting out. During my beginning years in the lifestyle, there were several people which I looked up to for guidance or experience. I did not necessarily call them “Mentors” per say, but more learned friends which I enjoyed speaking with on a regular basis, and trusted their knowledge and guidance when I felt I needed it. There was one person for whom I did end up establishing a more structured Mentor/mentee relationship with whom helped me to structure myself and work through things. He helped to keep me grounded, not to make beginner’s mistakes as they say and guided me to properly establish myself as a Dominant in the community.

These were people both male and female who helped me to learn safety, showed me how to flog and whip properly, discussed things about rope work and understanding the ethics, the vibe and overall flow of the communities around me. They were able to guide me to where I could find the right information or if I felt stuck or had an issue, I could go to them and ask questions. Even today as a established Dominant in the community, there are people which I look up to and respect as “Elders” in the community. There are all sorts of different concepts and topics out there. There might be One gentlemen or Lady which you respect on a certain topic. When I sought to learn ‘Florentine flogging”, I found someone whom was an expert on the subject and approached them to learn from.

This is where being apart of the community is key, whether the community be established in person or online. In Second Life, there are a lot of established communities of different types of people. For those who are apart of Second Life, joining the group “Adult Community Education Society” or “D/s Discussions” is a good way to find out the various discussion groups which are out there. They come up daily with multiple different topics. This is a good way to reach out in the Second Life World and build relationships and friendships. Overall, you pretty much just need to show up where other BDSM practitioners are going to be about.

The most important concept to understand when seeking out a mentor is to make sure the person which you choose and establish a connection with is a good teacher for YOU. There are a lot of people out there who are great resources and have a great realm of knowledge, however if that knowledge and guidance doesn’t fit things which you are interested with, it really wouldn’t be worthwile for you. You want to find someone who knows stuff about the things which you actually want to learn. If your interested in Sadism or Masochism, someone who is interested in sadistic or masochistic play might be a better fit for you over someone who is more into sensual type play.

If your brand new and really don’t know what your looking for or interested in just yet, just get to know someone who you like, who you feel comfortable chatting with and has the same ethics as you have. Ethics are just as important as the physical aspects of play which we involve ourselves with. Ethics is more about how we go about doing things then how we do things.

Good Mentors are going to have great patience and pause allowing you to absorb things and think about thoughts and talk them through. They will know when to go about asking a question to help you think, but allow the conversation to flow in a way which is beneficial for yourself and not them.

Mentors aren’t out there to judge you. They should allow for a level of comfort which allows you to open up and speak with them. These are people who will become your trusted friends. Do you feel they are professional enough for you but allow you liberties to be yourself without casting judgement over you? If you start feeling uncomfortable or closed off with sharing things with them, these are great warning signs that this may not be the proper mentor for you.

Mentors aren’t going to know everything, but they are going to be versed in a lot of aspects that people come to them asking questions about. Like what was spoken about above, if the person your considering doesn’t seem to know a whole lot about what your talking about, it might be best to seek someone who does. You want to find someone who is in alignment with the interests and ideals which you have.

5. Understand that “Fame” does not equate to “Good Mentoring”.

Just because you see someone who is well known and famous, doesn’t necessarily mean they will be a good fit for being a good Mentor for YOU. Take time to get to know people. This is not a race. Their way of doing things may not entirely be your way of doing things. Find someone who fits you, your ethics, your morals, and your overall play styles.

Remember, the power to learning is not handing your power over to someone else and letting them tell you how things should be. This is your responsibility to make these decisions for yourself. Their knowledge and techniques is simply a pool for you to pick from to make your own path in this lifestyle.

Mentoring is not about “ego” or something for people to feel better about themselves, or feel more important in the community. How many people you mentor is not something to measure with other people. It is about helping. It is a great feeling inside to go about helping someone else who is less experienced then you. I almost find it as a way of respecting those who have mentored me to pass down the knowledge and wisdom which they gave me to others who are starting out. I got into facilitating online and running voice discussions. At first I was very nervous about doing this, but after I got a few things under my belt, I found it a great way to reach out and give apart of me back to the community. Its a great way to meet new people and even a great way to learn. Sometimes Mentees can teach Mentors. We are all different people, and have different ways of looking at things. Being a Mentor is about being open to your Mentee, to learn to listen just as much as it is important for a Mentee to be able to listen to the Mentor. There is always a give and take to any established relationship out there.

The most important thing about being a mentor is being honest with yourself and honest with other people. Be upfront of what you do know and what you don’t know. If you pretend to go out there and know more then you do to try to put on a show to impress people, your not just doing a disservice to other people, but your doing one to yourself. Karma has a good way of biting you in the ass if you don’t respect it. People can get hurt out there both physically and mentally if you give improper advise, and it will come back to look poorly on you one way or another. Just be up front, be realistic, and communicate. Telling someone you don’t know something, doesn’t make you weak. Your not going to loose your “Master Card”.

Throughout my time, I have found that both in the real world and online, a lot of people claim the title or term “poly”. This is a very healthy and honest thing to claim, however the troubles begin when people begin to confuse polysexual and polyamorous.

So what exactly are the differences?

Polysexual

Polysexual is defined as having multiple sexual relationships without the attachment of love. The most basic analogy I can give to this are “swingers”, who involve themselves in sexual activities with multiple partners. It is the best way for which I can describe Polysexual.

Polyamorous

Polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. They are built upon the values of communication, trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compassion (compersion).  There is transparency involved. These people are emotionally involved with each other and sometimes even consider themselves a family.

So am I Polysexual or am I Polyamorous?

I have seen various forms of “poly” based relationships. I think it just comes down to being honest with yourselves and your partners. If you wish to get emotionally involved with your partners or not. I have seen houses and poly “communities” which have been formed. There are several on second life which simply are poly sexual. The submissives/slaves serve the Dominants but there just aren’t any emotional ties involved. There might be a general kinship or friendship involved, but “love” just isn’t in the picture. I, the typist, happen to believe to several Poly Communities which I would simply place under the term “Polysexual”.

Going back to being honest, this is where I feel things can either make or break a relationship apart. I have seen a lot of guys who enter a “Monogamos” which we all know is a one on one relationship and the man suddenly has a urge to bring in a second partner. I have seen some guys who think that their submissive/slave should have no say in the situation and they end up fighting with each other over concepts of jealousy and other insecurities which begin to arise. Submissive A as we will call her begins to feel feelings that they aren’t enough for the Dominant, or the dominant has grown tired of him/her. Can you change someone who has a monogamous mindset? Perhaps overtime, but I don’t think this is something for which should be forced upon someone. This goes back to the concept of honesty. When you establish the relationship, you should have a really firm understanding of what your looking for.

How do we introduce a second partner into our relationship?

Again, this all depends on the people involved. The most healthiest way which this typist has found is to upfront and honesty. Introduce the two together and see how they both react. Do they both get along with each other? I would not expect two girls to love each other, but there must be some basic balance of friendship and the ability to get along without each of them trying to get at each other. Communication is important to see if both are comfortable and overtime if there is, then the next steps can be taken. Everyone in the relationship should feel healthy and comfortable with each other for a “Polyamorous” relationship to exist and thrive.

Compersion

We have used this term a few times in this discussion.

Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.

When a submissive/slave sees that their dominant is experiencing joy or happiness through another, it makes them happy. The relationship is not a “competition” to see who can get more attention with the dominant. You can’t order, command or demand compersion. Some would say it is either there or it is not there.

Overall, it is the Dominant’s responsibility to make each person involved in the relationship feel secure, valued, loved, respected and cherished. Once this is established, and your partners understand and have compersion, then there should be no issues. You won’t have to face issues such as jealousy or insecurities, because things will be balanced. That is the key to making a Polyamorous relationship work.

My login for my blog which I happen to use is “Master”, a word for which I use to define myself. Each and everyday I login to my blog to make my personal journal entries, but its lead me to wonder as of late what really does the word mean to me..

According to the Webster’s Dictionary the word “Master” and “Mastery” is defined as….

mas·ter

/ˈmæstər, ˈmɑstər/ Show Spelled [mas-ter, mah-ster] Show IPA

Understanding the differences between discipline and punishment is important. It is very critical to have a firm understanding of the process of both and how they are separate and how they also relate to each other.

As a society in this modern day world, the majority crave social order and seek a more modern “regular” existence. In this world there are several levels of authority from the government within our own countries and then within the business world, a boss or chief executive officer. It is up to this authority to bring about that law and order, instruct the group as a whole in the rules for that group, and any infractions against those rules are dealt with. Within the establishment of this level of law and order, the concepts of discipline and punishment come into play.

Etymology and Definition of Discipline and Punishment.

Discipline is related to the word “Disciple” or follower, therefore discipline is the knowledge that is given by a leader to his or her followers. Discipline refers to the training activities, methodologies and motivation techniques which we might employ within a leader/follower relationship, or even with ourselves (“self-discipline”).

Punishment comes from the verb “punish” which traces its roots back to the word “penalty” or “Great Loss”. Punishment refers to a penalty that has been inflicted for an actual “perceived” fault. An example of this would be a dog being swatted with a newspaper for chewing on your favorite shoe.

Understanding Discipline

In the lifestyle, Discipline is the action taken by a dominant to teach and mold a submissive the way that Dominant prefers. Discipline is training intended to produce a specific characteristic or pattern of behavior. It is also a state of order based on submitting to rules and authority of the Dominant. The dominant sets out what they want the submissive/slave to do or understand and uses discipline to set those rules in place, to teach and guide. Discipline is not about correcting, which is what “punishment” comes into play.

Let’s say for example you want to teach your submissive to focus on your “sexual needs” and not her own. A dominant might choose to use some form of a positive reinforcement to train the submissive to respond in a specific way in a specific situation. When the submissive is thinking of their sexual needs and getting aroused, you might have that submissive/slave pleasuring you in some fashion while denying them sexual gratification. This is usually in the training of orgasm denial. Is orgasm denial a punishment? Not necessarily because you are not “correcting” the submissive, you are “teaching and guiding the submissive.”

Discipline leads to the concepts of “Self Discipline” and “Self Regulation”. There comes a time where you will want the submissive/slave to be able to think for themselves, to make proper decisions and choices based on the rules and regulations which you are teaching them. Discipline in itself will never stop as there is always something to learn and something to teach, but after a while you would want the submissive/slave to be able to choose what is proper for themselves, building up good self-discipline within themselves to serve you.

Understanding Punishment

Punishment is a tool which is utilized by a Dominant when a submissive/slave has been willfully disobedient and has knowingly disobeyed a command or done something incorrectly. It is a response or the consequence to something which is wrong.

Consider our example before on sexual gratification and trying to get the submissive to focus on the Dominant. Let’s say for example that the submissive does in fact touch themselves and bring themselves to orgasm using their fingers. The dominant might decide to take a switch and smack the submissive’s genitals or perhaps the submissive/slave’s hands with the switch. This is punishing the person for doing something they were not supposed to be doing.

When punishing a submissive/slave there are several very important concepts to understand:

First, never punish when you are not completely calm. If you are emotional in any sense, it might be best to wait till you have calmed down. Emotions can render a Dominant’s ability to make proper and justified decisions null. Using proper techniques to give pause to a situation such as having a submissive/slave kneel in a specific position for punishment, having them go to their room and await you to join them when you are ready, or by telling them to stand in the corner. These are all techniques to use to give pause of time to allow you to get yourself under control in order to handle the situation properly. Sometimes we as Dominants act out in anger in inappropriate ways.

Punishments should be carried out and handled as soon as possible. It might not be possible to punish a submissive right there and then but waiting longer periods of time may end up damaging the essence of the punishment.

Ensure that the Punishment fits the crime. If a punishment is too soft it might not help the submissive to learn from the infraction. A dominant should always be quite clear and make sure the submissive understands why they are being punished. This can be accomplished two ways, by simply telling them or asking them what they did wrong to ensure they understand what they did wrong and why they are being punished.

One of the worst punishments which can be inflicted on a submissive/slave is taking away the privilege of serving the Dominant. This might be not calling them when you normally would, or removing them from your presence for a period of time. A personal example was having a submissive stand to the side of the room while she watched me washing the dishes, normally something for which she does after I have spent a hard time cooking and preparing the meal and she knew this, and knew WHY I was doing the dishes and cleaning and why she was made to watch. This was detrimental to her as a submissive, because she lost that right to serve me, as she knew I wanted her to.

Sometimes the emotional impact on a submissive/slave when they are punished can be extreme. They tend to be harder on themselves when they know that they have failed or upset their Dominant and tend to punish themselves internally far greater then you could ever punish them.

Finally, when you have rendered a punishment the same concepts of aftercare come into play if not more so. You want to forgive the submissive for their infractions and let it go. Hounding on something over and over again can be detrimental. We’re not here as dominants to hold a grudge or let something linger on. There needs to be forgiveness and absolution. This is a critical component to the submissive accepting the consequences and moving on from them. If you cannot move on, how exactly do you expect them to do so?

Physical Contact for both Discipline and Punishment.

Some consider “Whipping” merely to be an act of punishment and not something which you would find used for discipline. However, this is very much a misconception. A whip could be used for both discipline and punishment; it is merely the intent or the emotions which are behind what and why it is being used. A submissive may greatly enjoy being whipped. It can be a sense of release for the submissive, especially those who are masochist and crave pain along with pleasure. The Dominant could want the submissive/slave to learn to accept a whipping for a mixture of pain and pleasure, and wishes that submissive/slave to learn to enjoy being whipped. However, that same submissive could turn round and be punished with a whip. There is a different atmosphere and mindset which is behind why it is being done. The submissive/slave knows they have done wrong, knows that the Dominant is displeased or upset with them. This dominant isn’t whipping the submissive/slave for their own pleasure or the exchange of pleasurable energy between the Dominant and submissive/slave but because they are “correcting” a “wrong doing” of some kind. This is where the differences come into play.

When people think about control, they think about ropes and chains, physical control using bondage. However, there is a another side to control. There are all sorts of varieties of the lifestyle overlap each other. This small essay will look at two specific aspects of control; physical control and psychological control.

Physical Control

When we think of physical control, we are looking at two portions of the triad. Bondage and discipline, and Sado-masochism (or Sadists and masochists)

Even though it is not the most common form of physical control, one of the first concepts that comes to the minds of many is that of bondage; The use of ropes, chains, restraints, etc., to physically restrain someone..  Physical control is not only about restraining arms, legs and other parts of the body.  There are also ways to physically restrain someone by confining them to small quarters or dungeons.  Sometimes a mixture of both bondage and confinement is used to restrain someone.  An example of such would be chaining them to a ring on the wall while confining them in a closed or tight space, dungeon or cell.

We can also use brute strength to overpower some. This could be in the context of pinning them up against a wall, grabbing their hands and yanking them behind their back, or using our strength and weight to pin them down against the ground. These three things is a prime example of not using confinement or physical bondage or restraint to restrain someone.

There is a technique called Shibari and Kinbaku Shibari refers to purely artistic, aesthetic rope while Kinbaku refers to the artistic, connective, sensual sexual practice as a whole. It is a series of tight bondage ropes which involves tying up a submissive or slave using simple yet visually intricate patterns, usually with several pieces of thin rope which is usually either jule, hemp or linen and generally around six mm in diameter, but sometimes as small as four mm. It is usually approximately 7m to 8m long.

One of the things to understand when practicing any type of physical restraint. Muscles can be pulled, skin can be damaged, and circulation can be cut off. When you are putting someone under any type of physical restrain or control, you MUST always pay attention to what their doing. Doing anything with long term suspension should use proper cuffs made to support the wrists or ankles. Ropes should be selected properly which won’t cut of chive the skin. There is a section on ropes which to use and not to use in the slave training guide.

Physical Restraint and control has been shown to psychologically induce someone into a mental and physical state of peace, relaxation. There are sometimes when a submissive or slave can be sent into sub space by simply being bound up or restrained. I have a submissive for which the simple use of rope in various types of textures can send them over the edge into sub space, without doing anything else to them.

Psychological Control (Mental and Emotional)

When we are looking at the Psychological aspects of control and restraint, we are looking at the concepts of the middle of the BDSM triad, Dominance and Submission.

There is a concept for which is known as “Bound by his sheer will”. This is a test of a submissive or slave’s total submission. It is a concept for which a submissive or slave is commanded to be placed into a situation. A example of this was placing a submissive upon her knees and telling her to raise her hands and push them out. From there, I placed a mug of hot tea on her hand and told her to obediently remain perfectly still not allowing the mug to topple or fall or spill. The submissive did as commanded and remained perfectly still. At times this is used as a test of obedience and control, placing the submissive in a position for which they have to hold.

We can also use techniques such as certain body language, facial expressions, tone of voice for which to make a submissive or slave feel something or react in a certain way. Submissives may respond differently to the use of various tones of voice. When my submissives hears me using a deeper and darker voice then the casual normal voice for which I speak with, it at times can spark different aspects of responses back to her.

Psychological control incorporates the use of discipline, structure, and servitude.  This usually forms the template for a traditional relationship in the D/s or M/s relationship structure. At the beginning of a relationship Is usually where boundaries are established, principles and expectations are all worked out and agreed upon and then lead by the direction of the dominant. This does not mean that the submissive doesn’t have the right to question or say no. Questions are used to clarify the intentions of the dominant. However questions should not be used for confrontational or to debate a dominant’s lead or guidance once initially things are agreed upin. The level of questions for which are accepted is usually governed based on what type of power change you are in. There is a strong difference between total power exchange and a normal power exchange, for which are spoken about in another article written on this site.

Dominants creates a sense of structure and order within a submissive’s life by establishing this type of restraint and control. Rules and regulations have consequences for which are laid out to the submissive. Consequences bring about punishment for infringements and discipline to drill those concepts and rules inside the submissive or slave’s head. The position of a Dominant is to establish the rules, to define the structure of the relationship agreed upon by the submissive or slave and then take control and enforce which has been built.

When it comes to enforcing this type of control or restraint upon a submissive, one of the biggest problems which comes about is dominants who establish and make rules which they cannot or don’t enforce. There is nothing more frustrating to a submissive when things have been defined and established and their not carried or followed through. Dominants who do not keep their words, destroys trust, creates confusion within the submissive, and sours and damages the overall relationship.

Sexual Sadism

(Taken from Wikipedia)

In psychiatry, the terms sadism and masochism describe a personality type characterized by the individual deriving pleasure and gratification from either inflicting or receiving physical pain and/or humiliation, respectively. In some cases the pleasure and gratification may be sexual but in others sexual pleasure is not experienced, and it may involve deriving the pleasure from masochistic or sadist behavior towards the opposite gender or same gender as self. Some individuals appear to be exclusively sadist and others exclusively masochistic in deriving their pleasure, but many alternately derive pleasure from sadist and masochistic thoughts and experiences involving themselves and others.

The term sadomasochism denotes the co-occurrence of sadism and masochism in one person, as discrete mental disorders. Some contend masochism to be the spiritual inner self-punishment for acts inwardly acknowledged to be sadism. In psychiatric theory, the term “sadomasochism” may be used exclusively. The medical definitions (denotations and connotations) of “sadism” and “masochism” have been modified as required by medical progress, since the Austrian psychiatrist Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing (1840–1902) introduced the terms to psychiatry in the 19th century. This article presents the development of “sadism” and “masochism” as medical terms, leading to their contemporary definitions as a paraphilia in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). As erotic practices, the sadomasochistic subculture, and related matters, are noted historically.

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There are many misconceptions about Sadism. To some, they believe sadists are just people who enjoy inflicting pain for self gratification of doing so. That they just get off on doing it, without any regard for who they are doing it to. They are simply concerned with themselves, and what they feel. This is not what lifestyle sadism is about.

As a sadist myself, I can tell you that its about the exchange for which happens. its about the exchange of energy for which I feel when I am inflicting pain on another. There is a bond for which is drawn between Masochist and Sadist, and at times a exchange of energy for which cannot be seen, heard or felt. Its a psychological pull. I enjoy inflicting pain on someone but I do it within the limits and boundaries for which I know they can tolerate. This comes from learning about the person, talking and communicating. This comes from putting into play various safe guards from verbal to physical to ensure that the person for which I am inflicting pain upon can communicate to me if things are becoming too harsh.

Being a Sadist is also understanding the very intricate balance between pleasure and pain. It is about taking someone on a erotic journey through the mixture of both to share in the experience in a safe way in a sane way and with full and absolute consensualism.

Should we know what pain feels like before we inflict it on others?

This question has been asked to me time and time again and my response is as follows. I believe it is very important to understand what pain feels like before we go about and inflict pain. I have been struck by a flogger. I have been struck by a whip. I have had a pin pushed into my flesh just to see how it feels. By going through it and accepting it into our own bodies we can be more aware of how someone else might feel. Now, we all respond differently to levels of pain and we all have different pain tolerances but actually feeling and seeing what it is about allows us to respect what we are doing and respect what it might do to someone else. This allows us to understand it from both sides, so we do not become out of control or abusive with what we are doing.

How do we find out the levels of pain tolerance for which we can accept?

I firmly believe that it is simply a stepping process. One should start out small and with lower forms of pain. This could be sensual spankings or perhaps a sensual flogging and then slowly continue to build up. Pain tolerances are trained into someone just like anything else is, it is done through practice, it is done through building up and then maintaining levels without going to the point of crossing the line at what someone is trying. Take it slow, and take it easy. Don’t try to get someone prepared to take a full force single tail whipping the first time they have had any sort of pain or have felt what pain is. Working up slowly and training it up to increase a person’s ability to accept pain is the most safest and sanest way to increase someone’s pain tolerance.

The next thing to understand is communication. Talk about experiences, talk about how they felt, talk about how you reacted to something. Be willing to communicate when you feel that something is growing too close to the ranges for which you can tolerate. That is what safe words are used for.

When does it turn wrong?

It turns wrong when the person for which is the sadist stops having any regard for the person for which they are playing with. When it stops being consensual and it stops being within the limits of tolerance for which the person who is on the receiving end can tolerate. It becomes wrong, when that person is only so much focused on themselves. It starts becoming wrong when that person continues to elevate the levels of pain for which they inflict to feed some emotional or physical craving inside ourselves without any regard for who we are playing with. People who loose this form of control will begin to get out of control and this is when it turns wrong, this is when it turns into abuse.

The biggest advantage in second life is the ability to allow your imaginations to fly. You can be anything for which you want to be, a dragon, a furry, a rabbit, the opposite gender. You can design and shape yourself.

“Honesty” is one of the biggest things when it comes to giving us so much power of imagination, and draws even greater responsibility. Regardless if you have any sort of interactions on a intimate or emotional level, you need to understand that you are dealing with another human being for which has the same emotions and feelings as you do.

Several years ago, I took a chance with someone. For a period of six months, I interacted with this person and spent my time with them. I was under the impression and understanding that this person was a woman based on their interactions with me. They described themselves in character in roleplay as a woman and out of character as a woman. This went on for a period of six months with many intimate encounters between myself and this person. However, after the six months had passed this person finally came clean and informed me that she was really a man in real life.

For awhile this disturbed me. I muted and blocked this person and ceased all interaction with them. I had opened up and shared personal information and intimate things with this person. I told them things about myself that I did not tell anyone else, and I was completely open and honest even to the point of sharing things about my personal real life relationships under the assumption that this person was being equally transparent and open and honest about themselves.

The moral of the story is, be honest with people. If you try to hide who you truly really are to someone for whatever reason, its going to bite you on the ass on the long run. Honesty goes a lot of ways. I accent the concepts that there are some who have a pull to be the opposite gender in a fantasy environment and personally if this person had been honest with me from the start, I may of even considered continuing my interaction with them. Would it of been as personal and intimate? Probably not, and I can understand that most likely was what this person was being. However that fear does not exclude the fact that they were dishonest and disrespectful by their actions.

Be honest with people… if you don’t want to share your personal life with someone who you interact with then don’t but don’t sit back and lie to them straight away. Lying is the worse thing for which you can do to someone, its the biggest of betrayals.

Honesty goes a long way to earning and building trusts and building strong bonds with people.

(Taken from Wikepedia.com)

A munch (short for burger munch) is a low-pressure social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM, usually at a restaurant. When available, munches often use a private room. In the UK, the venue is usually a pub, and people are free to arrive and leave within the specified hours. The primary purpose is socializing, though some munches also have announcements or demonstrations from local organizations or individuals. Munches often help those who are curious about the lifestyle meet others who may be able to help them become more comfortable and better informed. Munches can also be a place to get advice about or pass on anecdotes about BDSM experiences.

Unlike a play party, most munches are casual affairs that exclude fetish attire or BDSM play, though a rare few include covert Master/slave interactions or other play. Some munches may have a specific focus, such as spirituality or whips Others may be restricted to a specific group, such as women or submissives.

History

Munches started in the 1980s, prior to the widespread introduction of the web. At that time, meeting members of the BDSM scene was a bit more difficult, given the then-prevalent bias against BDSM and the resulting lack of places to meet those of the same interest. While organizations such as the Society of Janus and the BackDrop Club  existed, there were few informal ways to meet others socially within the scene. The USENET  group alt.sex.bondage was a common meeting ground on-line, as was a San Francisco-area email list then known as BABES (Bay Area Bondage Enthusiasts Society).

One of the alt.sex.bondage and BABES members, by the name of STella, organized a social meeting at Flames, a coffeehouse in Santa Clara, California. It was a quiet meeting in one corner of a family-oriented coffee house.

After that, an informal rotation of meeting sponsors and locations was instituted, with widely varying amounts of success. Not long afterward, STella suggested that a standard time and location be chosen, and selected Kirk’s Steakburgers [1] at 361 S California Avenue in Palo Alto as it had both great hamburgers and a spacious patio where attendees could meet in relative privacy. This was known as the “burger munch”. (That Kirk’s location was demolished around 2005, though a few other locations still exist.)

The Kirk’s burger munch attracted a large and often spirited crowd, with discreet play. As time went on, the atmosphere became less discreet and people started bringing in outside food. Ultimately, the management insisted that the group stop meeting there.

Many of the original participants found another social gathering just down the street, though STella requested they not use the name “burger munch”. The name was shortened to “munch” and the gathering took on a quieter tone. The organizer of the first spin-off munch, Miss Vicki, still runs a munch in the SF Bay Area (www.TheMunch.org).

Munches changed with time and the increased acceptability of BDSM, “the lifestyle”, or WIITWD (What it is that We do). Many have evolved in depth to include more people, topics and philosophies. While some munches remain traditional asking that no expressions of identity be expressed, others are open to the wearing of collars or pride emblems. Each munch is different and reflects the personality of the group that attends it.

The term “Burger Munch” was not only used at the Palo Alto munch, but was also used in Boston in 1994 and possibly earlier, meetings being held at Mr Bartley’s Burger Cottage in Harvard Square.

Some of the Boston attendees became somewhat famous, or infamous, as they were models for images in the noteworthy book Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns

In a lifestyle dynamic such as this, it would almost appear that the dominant has all of the power. The dominant sets the scene, makes the decisions and sets the rules right? Well the simple answer to this is, the dominant does not have all of the power.

Submissives are human beings. They are not less of a person just because they are a submissive or a slave. In the united states, un-consensual slavery has been abolished and is now illegal. You cannot hold anyone against their will. In the BDSM lifestyle we live by a code of honor known as SSC, Safe Sane and Consensual. We use things like safe words and safe gestures for submissives to be able to say no, because they have that very right, they have the right to say no and walk away.

Submissives are equal. When we look and consider submissives outside of our household, they are not inferior to ourselves. They are not there to be looked down upon or to be chastised. They are on equal footing. Their thoughts, feelings, opinions, suggestions are just as important as our own. They have the same rights for which we have.

Treating a submissive as inferior and less then what they are can lead to some serious self esteem and self awareness situations. This is not including those who are into plays which have a humiliation factor and dehumanizing factor to the play. Those are concepts for which are only in scene type play and not something for which you would see in every day life.

Keeping someone against their will can have extreme psychological ramifications which can lead to some really bad mental issues with that tsubmissive or slave.

I am your Owner only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. You have given me total access to your soul and I accept the responsibility with honor. You are a woman, you are not weak or inferior and I have the strength of body mind and soul to instinctively protect, possess, defend, and provide for you. My desire to dominate you is instinctive. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt. Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts. I dominate you because you have allowed me to and when I see your body kneel before me, in my mind and heart you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth. — Mikhail Borgan

Poly households or relationships are a very common dynamic in this lifestyle. However, it is something for which to remember that it is not something which is necessary to have There are many people out there who are Dominants and submissives and are monogamous.

Polysexual

Polysexual means having sexual relations with more then one person devoid of any real emotions or feelings towards that person. One prime example of a polysexual relationship would be swingers in the real world or “porn stars” who shoot on camera for making money. Prostitution is also a type of polysexual relationship, but not always the most law abiding one.

Polyamory

Definition: Participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships

Polyamory= (from Greek  [poly, meaning many or several] and from Latin amor [love])
-In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of communication,  trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compassion, (compersion) as well as the rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.

In the community, it is the right of a dominant to choose this type of household but it is also the submissive or slave’s right to decline or refuse to involve themselves in this type of household. You should always be up front and open with a submissive or slave when you are building your household. Changing dynamics mid relationship can be very damaging and detrimental to the relationship as a whole. A submissive also has a responsible for which to communicate their relationship type choices. If you are just going to go with it or wing it, nine out of ten times things are going to fall apart. This goes along with being truthful and honest with yourself and committed to your core values and beliefs for which you should always be.

What does a poly household look like?

In truth there is no blueprint to what a poly household looks like and is defined. The dominant and the people involved with the household are those for which will define what it looks like. There has been multiple dominant poly households as much as there has been multiple submissive poly households.

Some households are divided where the Dominant will choose certain days for which to spend time with the submissive. Some people can be happy jumping into one huge bed together with no sex whatsoever involved. Some people choose to live in separate homes but are still within a very firm family dynamic. There can also be large communities for which are joined together in a larger family based atmosphere community. The best way to find out what is right for you as a family is to sit down and communicate, discuss things and see how things go. There is no right answer and there is no right way for which poly households are established.

One thing that must be considered is where each individual in the household stands. Each person within the household will have his or her own specific place in that household. Each individual will have things that he or she is better suited for than the other individuals in the house. For example you have one person that can cook, one that likes to cook and has a limited amount of experience and one that cooks a few dishes very well but honestly would prefer not to cook. The duty of cooking would then go to the individual that can cook and enjoys it. The individual that likes to cook but doesn’t have much experience would then help prepare and serve the meals as well as get some tips on cooking from the other.

“Alpha verses Beta”

In a multi complex poly dynamic, there might be what are called alpha subs or beta subs. Alpha subs usually have some responsibility over beta subs. This might include discipline, instructions, assigning tasks, or other means which the dominant might assign. There also might be a multi complex level and hierarchy of dominants within a household where there are alpha doms and beta doms.

Some things to look out for is that the alpha subs do not become over controlling or loose their sense of submission. There is also the chance of confusion within the household if things are not laid out and on a specific foundation. Everyone in the household should have a perfect understanding. If rules begin to become crossed and there is imbalance within the household, this can cause a poly dynamic household to topple over.

Compersion:

Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.

Happiness and joy is established when a submissive or slave sees their dominant with another person. Some dominants have an instinctive need to care for others. No matter what that need is not going to go away. Caring for, protecting, advising, nursing, and directing can be natural to that dominant as riding a bike or walking down the street. It is apart of a dominants instincts and who and what they are. This is something for which all dominants should understand and be transparent about when they are starting a relationship.

Compersion is something for which cannot be taught. It is not something for which can be ordered or commanded or pushed or forced. It is something for which has to come natural fort to be healthy for that relationship. You cannot force someone or in some cases you cannot teach someone compersion. I tis simply apart of them as a person. This is extremely important on why a Dominant needs to focus on alignment at the very beginning. If you are a poly Dominant it is a must to seek out a sub/slave that finds true joy in your happiness and understands that this will come many different ways. It is a must that the sub/slave understands that it is not a failure on their part and an inability to please you on their own. It is simply understanding our needs and instincts.

Compersion is not something for which should be taken for granted. If you are starting off as a one to one household and your going to move to a dynamic poly household, you should make sure that you take time and make sure that your household has a strong foundation and that things are on a even keel before you bring someone else into your household and rock the boat.

If you meet a sub/slave and they do not show immediate signs of compersion, does that mean that it does not exist in them? Not necessarily, as it could be that the enormous amount of trust needed to be earned by you as a Dominant is not in place yet. I encourage all of you to take your time because I am here to tell you that based on my own experience, the greatest gifts of submission are worth working for!

Both of my personal girls are wonderful woman. They are very healthy, intelligent and secure in the relationship we have. They have trust in me and faith in my relationship with them. Once they were able to establish this trust and faith, they were able to show a great and firm connection with eachother. This connection to me is what is being talked about, compersion. Not just with me, but with each other as a whole.

Compersion is something for which is a precious gift for which is given to us by our submissives. It is not something for which we should take for granted. It is a quality for which is earned by Dominants. Trust and personal connections, communication and friendship is something for which is important between submissives within the household. Equality is also something for which is important. submissives need to feel important. The same rules apply for owning a single submissive.

“Time limitations”

One thing to consider before opening up a dynamic poly household is time. I have seen over my years, dominants for which take on submissives for which they do not have time for. “Ohh its just for a short while… Ohh I am just protecting so and so..” is common things for which you might hear and then all of a sudden someone is left behind and their needs and what they require in the equality to balance things out is not being given to them. This leads up to broken hearts and lots of problems down the road. This goes along with understanding our limitations as dominants and not accepting people into our households for which we simply cannot care for. Make sure you can provide time equally to the submissives or slaves in your house.

“Favortism”

At times in poly situations, favoritism can rear its ugly head. This leads to submissives being left out. If you begin to favor one submissive over another, you will begin to unbalance out the relationship. In a poly dynamic, every submissive must feel that they are equally important. This can lead to jealousy issues which may come up. Jealousy is a sign that there might need to be some investigation and looking into just like symbols of pain or tiredness and depression which would need immediate attention to find out what is going on.

Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy. So the trick to making a poly relationship work is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued, loved, respected and cherished.  Feeling the symptoms of Jealousy = Something is wrong and its time to investigate and  communicate. Open, honest communication, finding out what the underlying cause of the jealousy  is the key to a successful poly household.

 “Transparency in the relationship”

Transparency is something which is important for any type of lifestyle relationship and certainly one which is a poly household. There lot of people who will practice in poly relationships, but they will keep the relationship “secret” from other parties in the relationship. One of the biggest examples of this in the online world is alting where you have multiple names and keep them from partners who you involve yourself in. I am a true firm believer that karma will come to bite you back on the ass if you perform these types of distrusting and disrespectful actions against someone.

Honesty is also a word which works with transparency. Being honest with your partners. If you take in a submissive or slave who is not poly and try to force that upon them, all your going to do is cause a whole lot of strife and conflict within the relationship which will end up causing harm in a mental and sometimes physical sense. Be honest with your partners.

“The third wheel syndrome”

The third wheel syndrome is when a Dominant goes and takes on another submissive because they are looking to add the flavor of a poly arrangement within their household. It usually takes place when the dominant’s submissive wants a sister or brother within the relationship and that dominant wants the “kinky” side of having a second play partner. While this Is a perfectly acceptable arrangement in some cases, you should be understanding of what your getting into. There are times where the couple is only hinting at a poly relationship but they are mostly one on one. These times the dominant will always side with the first submissive or slave and merely only make use of the second slave. In this situation the primary submissive might not totally understand what a poly situation involves and may try to sabotage the relationship with the Dominant and the other submissive which will only turn out to cause harm to the second submissive. The moral of the story is, make sure you understand and talk about the dynamic. Communicate so you are aware of what is going to take place, and where your standing is within the relationship.

“Training relationships”

Training relationships are also another form of a poly dynamic which usually has some set limitations which are worked out in a contract. I have seen households which take on an entire couple under their wing in order to help out with training and introducing the couple into the D/s lifestyle. There are also at times where a lone submissive will be taken under a Dominants collar for a form of training. Relationships like this hold the same grounds as a poly relationship and the same rules apply. Communication should be established between all of the parties involved so they understand what the relationship is going to be.

“Collectors”

Collectors is a term which is used for people who collect multiple slaves. You will see them usually with a list of ten or more slaves in their collar. I will be the first to tell you there is absolutely no way any Dominant can dedicate that must time to so many slaves. These are people who just collect submissives for the reason of ego or self worth. They are not true poly dynamics and should be avoided at all costs.

 “Self Esteem”

Self esteem is an important factor in a poly relationship. Emotions can play havoc and imbalance a very complex and complicated relationship such as a poly relationship. Time, affect, comfort, and other things are things which end up becoming shared. If a person is suffering from self esteem issues, its very easy to bring about negative emotions such as jealousy, fear, rejection, inferiority, loneliness, envy, possessiveness, trust issues, selfishness. Any of these emotions can seriously damage the balance of a relationship. when these types of emotions are present, it will effect everyone within the poly relationship. Arguments will begin to form over small things and unhealthy competition for individual attention and affection can rip apart a relationship.

Some quick tips on keeping a multiple household a happy home….

• Treat each person as an individual, they are each unique in their own way…. never forget that each one is special to you.
• Take the time to show your appreciation for their hard work. In a multiple household there will always be competition, so make sure you praise each one when they have exceeded your expectations.
• Set aside time to spend with each one individually. Anything from going out to dinner to taking a walk in the park…every minute of your time is precious, and they know it. Each minute you spend with your slave/sub will be a moment they have you all to themselves and it will be treasured.
• Do not compare, even though it may be tempting sometimes…comparing individuals can destroy a slave/sub’s self esteem and make them doubt their own self worth.
• Do not allow jealousy to raise its ugly head, if you see jealousy beginning to start then squash it immediately. While a little competition is healthy and encourages a slave/sub to do their best, jealousy is a Dominant’s nightmare.
• Do your best not to correct or chastise one slave in front of another…unless of course that slave really likes humiliation. This is a good way to forge a strong resentment between the members of your household and make things very tense around your happy abode.
•  Try to give each individual a special place of their own…I know this is sometimes hard, especially if space is at a premium. This however will give each person a place that they feel is their own and that represents them.

If your not careful to keep things balanced and promote and provide transparency when it is needed then your going to be coming home to a battlefield, filled with tension and resentment. Sometimes even a slave falls victim to simple human frailties. Understanding the human mind and how it works is very helpful for a Dominant. Using that knowledge to better control and govern the slaves within one’s household is a wise and ultimately beneficial thing.

Topping from the bottom is a misunderstood term in BDSM, especially if you are a novice. The idea behind the term is to actually help submissives understand their role, and isn’t more than a faux paus. During interactions with your Dominant, it’s a lesson to know that you can’t control what is going on. Topping from the bottom is when you simultaneously adopt both roles. This could be in the form of giving commands, refusing requests or moving to control the location of impacts during play. Generally it is frowned upon to try to force the dominant’s hand to do something they do not wish to do.

1. You contradict the decision of your dominant.

If you try to change his or her mind about the decision they have made, without a valid reason, you are topping from the bottom. Examples could range from trying to convince them to use a different toy because you don’t like the one they are using, to asking them if they are sure they want to eat at Joe’s Restaurant when you really want to eat at Donna’s Cafe.

2. You ignore the request or command.

This one goes without saying, but pretending you didn’t hear the request and just to carry on doing what you want to do is not appropriate. Acknowledge the request as soon as possible and follow out the command as best you can. You can always go back to what you were doing afterward. The dominant is expecting your service at all times, not just when you want to give it. Topping from the bottom can be non-verbal.

3. You ask “What is in it for me if I do x y z?”

Submission isn’t about pleasing you directly. Being directed to do something from your Dominant is to please them, and as my Master always says, “Doing things for me should be your pleasure.” Conditional submission is topping from the bottom and should not exist, you either submit or you don’t. What you get in return is up to your Dominant. Negotiating this in the beginning of the relationship is critical.

4. You pull away from physical contact.

This is a tough one, but typically in a D/s relationship you have given over control of your body to your Dominant. This means that if they wish to touch you, that is their right. Telling them with physical withdrawal that you do not wish to be touched is trying to force their decision to touch you. Removing yourself from the situation is topping from the bottom. Learn to accept the attention, no matter what it is; it could develop into a wonderfully intimate time between the two of you.

5. You say “no”.*

As a submissive you may hang on to the right to say no, but if the Dominant gives you a reasonable request and it is within your negotiated terms to do, then you shouldn’t say no. Inconveniencing you isn’t a valid excuse. Neither is I don’t want to. Your Dominant has your better interests at heart, but also their desires. Perform the task and then feel good about it. What you just did may have enhanced your relationship, or you just refreshed their coffee. Either way, life is good.

* No is an important word in a D/s relationship, but one that shouldn’t be abused. Just like safewords, this word is only to be used in non-negotiated situations or when something needs to be cleared up first. Remember: use sparingly.

The relationship between a dominant and a submissive is a complex and complicated one at times. There are many different avenues to the relationship and they take time to establish and build. All relationships start out with the first meeting. These guidelines and procedures are suggestions on how to conduct a proper first time meeting. You should always keep these in mind when you are preparing and going out to see someone for the first time. They are here to keep you safe, so nothing will happen to you.

Before you even decide or think about meeting someone for the first time, take time to get to know them. Listen to them, look for things which might not be the same, or changes in the story the person is wielding.

Now you have decided your going to go and meet this person you have met through long distance contact, these are some things you should be aware of.

RULE NUMBER ONE: Meet in a PUBLIC place

Meet your potential dominant partner in a public place. The first meeting is strictly social and a getting acquainted opportunity. This should be made very clear at the outset, and any effort by the dominant partner to “seduce” the submissive should be seen as an act of bad faith and indication of a lack of trust worthiness.

Recommended public places:  An airport with lots of security around or a public mall with lots of security around and people who are trained to watch out for things and be observant.

RULE NUMBER TWO: SAFETY CALLS

A trust person should be selected as your safety call. This person should be completely aware and kept up to date on where you are going and the schedule you are following. A set time should be made for this call and at the end of the meeting to confirm that everything has gone ok and that you are alright. Establish a series of “Code Words” or phrases which might be casual but might mean that you are in danger and for that person to contact help. These should be something which might not be picked up right away by the person you are with like “how are the dogs doing?” even if you do not have dogs. This should be something which the person you are calling understands clearly as your call for help.

RULE NUMBER THREE:  KEEP IT CASUAL

There should not be any specific type of play at he first meeting. Use this time to get to know each other and spend time with each other. The dominant should never push to go off and play immediately and you should take to time to get to know who they are. Never put pressure on a submissive during the first meeting.

RULE NUMBER FOUR: HAVE A PLAN

You should always have as plan and a way to get away if needed. Ensure you have proper money and anything else you might need if you need to get away. You should have a good schedule of what is going on or where you are going. Never ever trust someone completely or rely on them on a first meeting.

The first thing to understand is to know what “Sub Frenzy” is and how to avoid it. All too often, a submissive will go with a Master or Mistress after little conversation or interaction. This is the recipe for absolute disaster, both mental and physical. The first thing to understand that a Dominant/submissive relationship is still a relationship and a human one at that. You are not a dog or a cat, or a mere animal for which can be simply selected by looks. You are a person with complex emotions and feelings, which need to be understood. There has to be a strong basis and foundation for a relationship to strive.

Respect, Trust, Honest, Love, Obedience – The absolute foundation for a strong relationship.

In serving and selecting a new Dominant, keep these very important concepts in mind:

Communication:  Talk to each other and be able to communicate. Communication must be open, honest and without fear or retribution. A submissive should be able to clearly express their fears and their emotions to their owners. How else will a dominant know where exactly your limits are?

Honesty:  Be honest and true to yourself. Do not try to be someone you are not, because nine out of ten times your going to get hurt. Be honest about your fears, desires, and situation. Lying can cause much problems later on and it is good to start out on a good even keel.

Patience: Take your time to find the right person. Don’t go jumping to the first person you find, that is sub frenzy. It may take time, but I assure you the wait will be worth it in the end.

Safety: You must always protect yourself.  Use proper and understandable safe words, safe calls, If a dominant says they are not necessary, get away from them and find someone else. They are not worth the dirt they stand on.

Common Sense:  Use it and have it.  If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If something doesn’t feel right to you, guess what, its not right.

What is VICSS?

• Voluntary: all partners involved in erotic power exchange activity of whatever nature should decide to do so of their own free will and choice and without any force applied. Sometimes the element of “force” may be hidden. Such can be the case if either of the parties faces (or fears to be faced with) economical or social repercussions if he or she does not go along with what the other partner(s) wants. This may be the case for example if colleagues at work enter into EPE-activities or within a marriage. If either of the partners feels forced, for whatever reason, the situation is non-voluntary.
• Informed: all partners involved in erotic power exchange should base their decision to do so on correct information and should be able to judge the situation and possible consequences. A simple “yes” often is not enough, especially in cases where it is doubtful whether the person saying “yes” does not or can not know what the implications are or can be.
• Consentual: all partners involved should agree to what is going to happen or happening and should have the possibility to evaluate previous decisions in the event they are faced with emotions, reactions or information they feel is of importance to their situation.
• Sane: decisions with respect to erotic power exchange activities should be made when all partners involved are of a clear mind. Consent as a result of the use of drugs, alcohol or the rush or the situations is not consent.
• Safe: erotic power exchange activities should be safe, both physically and mentally and in the event physical or mental risks are taken – for example in an edge play situation – people should be well informed about the possible risks, implications and repercussions.

Moral or ethical code

Although the majority of the people, involved in erotic power exchange, usually have very high moral and ethical standards there is no standard moral or ethical code when it comes to erotic power exchange. Since EPE is such a personal and intimate activity it is questionable if such a moral code can be produced at all. This means that people who are into erotic power exchange activities very much depend on their own judgment, often without references.

Seeking advice is difficult, since it may be very hard to find a reliable source – in general terms as well as with respect to your own personal situation. However, there are some general rules of thumb to go by when evaluating your personal position or a situation you are about to enter:

• Respect: Any erotic power exchange relationship should be based on mutual respect. In the event you have doubts about this, it is very likely there is something wrong.
• Communication: Communication is paramount when it comes to erotic power exchange. Communication is a two way street. If you feel your arguments, feelings and thoughts are disregarded you have stumbled on another warning signal.
• Relationship: In general – disregarding incidental kick-seeking – erotic power exchange can only flourish within a sound and solid relationship.
• Dominance and ego: Dominance is not male chauvinism. Although it is sometimes very hard to draw the lines in individual cases, ego trips are out of the question when it comes to erotic power exchange.

It is a mistake to think only the submissive can be “persuaded” into something she does not want. It happens to dominants as well and submissives can sometimes be very persistent.

Recognizing domestic violence

Domestic violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. By asking yourself the following questions and watching for the following signals you may evaluate the situation you are in:

• Physical signals
  • Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you? (Erotic power exchange scenes excluded)
  • Has he or she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room or used a weapon of any kind?
  • Are you afraid of your partner?
  • Does your partner constantly or frequently criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control or ridicule you for the limits you do set?
  • Do you feel obliged to have sex?
  • Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
• Isolation
  • Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
  • Does your partner prohibit you to take part in social events or activities?
• Property
  • Has your partner ever destroyed objects?
  • Has your partner ever threatened pets?
• Economical
  • Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?
  • Has he/she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
• Emotional/Psychological
  • Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
  • Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
  • Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self esteem?
  • Do you feel you can not discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Abuse within an erotic power exchange relationship

Although it does not occur often, abuse within an erotic power exchange relation does occur. Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not “agreed” upon. Domestic violence is not the same as consentual S/M. As a result of their sexual orientation, abused persons who are in an erotic power exchange relationship may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. These are question that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:

• Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
• Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?
• Has she or he ever violated your limits?
• Do you feel “trapped” in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?
• Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?

Finally, use your head and use your best judgment. You know yourself the best. You should have a firm understanding of what your looking for and don’t just settle for what you feel will do for the time being. Remember these words and remember to be Safe, to be Sane, and always to be Consensual!

ROPE NO NO’s

What kind of rope NOT to use:

• rope which causes and allergic reaction, always make sure to tie a bit around your partners wrist about an hour before a scene if you are not sure the person may have an allergy to the material the rope is made of, the middle of your scene is not the time to notice welts and rashes caused by rope.
• Stiff poly or ‘marine’ rope, which can leave splinters in the skin.
• Rope made of grass or plant fibers,such as hemp or jute, which can also imbed itself into the skin.
• Stretchy types of rope, if you can stretch a six inch piece of rope to reach eight inches, it is considered ‘stretchy’ and can end up being much tighter than you intended to tie it, and will not give even pressure over an area. It may also pinch the skins surface and cause lack of circulation even when you believe it is not that tight, it can fool you, and may cause much more pressure on the area tied than you think it is.
• Rope with a diameter of less than 1/4 inch, and to be extra safe, less than 5/16 th of an inch.
• Rope which contains metal strands or a solid core of plastic or metal. You need to be able to cut off rope quickly in case of an emergency, and these types of rope are almost impossible to cut without some very heavy cutters, which you will most likely either not have, or not be able to ease between the rope and the persons skin.

There are lots of ‘rope substitutes’, but be careful they do not meet any of the criteria for rope types not to use, such as nylon stockings, which may be ‘stretchy’. Don’t use electrical cord, and don’t use lengths of leather strap which are ‘tied’ on, and may not be possible to quickly cut away.

Breast bondage precautions

The purpose of breast bondage is to enhance the appearance of the breasts, or to slightly change the position or appearance of the breasts. The most common bondage techniques lift and push the breast together just like a bra does.

There is the possibility of damage to the breast and nipple tissue during bondage of certain types, such as breast constriction, where the breast is encircled with a rope at the base. Another dangerous practice is breast binding, which forces the breast into a flattened position and may damage muscle structure, or can lead to nerve damage.

Any bondage of the breast or nipple which cuts off circulation is not recommended, it takes a scant fifteen to twenty minutes after loss of circulation to begin cell damage.
The breast is a complicated structure, designed to produce milk for infants, truly an amazing machine of nature. It contains a huge circulatory system and contains a lot of blood, a system of milk producing glands and milk storage reservoirs. The nipples contain a system of sensors that work in conjunction with the milk glands and contain an area of densely packed nerves, all which can be easily damaged by improper, careless or prolonged bondage. This damage can be deep inside the tissue, involving the glands, or milk ducts, and require surgery to correct. This is especially true for women with larger breasts, which contain more fat tissue, but also contain more blood, and more small capillaries.

Large breasts are easily put into the type of bondage which cuts off circulation, and are more likely to suffer internal damage. Any bondage which crushes the breast into a flattened position, forces the breast into an unnatural position, cuts off circulation of the breast or nipple, or is too tightly placed and left on for longer than fifteen minutes, can damage any of the many tissues or structures in the breast.
While in bondage, breasts or nipples should never lose color, turn blue, or become numb, these are all signs that the bondage is either put on incorrectly, too tight, or has cut off circulation. Never combine breast bondage and temporary piercing of the nipples, as the breast is under pressure during bondage, this is not safe at all. Never whip or flog the breasts while under pressure of bondage, being constricted swells the blood vessels and they can be easily broken by a blow. Never jerk or pull a breast or nipple into another position suddenly while it is in bondage. The practice of ‘weighting’ or attaching weights to breast bondage ropes or tying the person to something by the breasts should be avoided.

When using rope in scenes, there is the possibility of accidents, so here are some recommended “don’ts” for bondage: Don’t play when you’re not alert. Don’t play when tired or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Don’t try things you aren’t sure about. The front of the neck should never receive pressure of any kind. Don’t EVER leave a bondaged person alone, even for a few seconds. LISTEN to your partner, if they complain about lack of circulation or odd pains or sensations, check the bondage ties. DON’T LISTEN to your partner…. in other words, check and recheck bondage points for pinching, over tight wraps, signs of circulation loss, or ropes which may have moved from their original tie positions. Relying totally on your partners judgment while they are ‘high’ or in subspace is not a good idea. Always have available something which will easily cut the rope type you are using, bandage scissors with a flat blade at the bottom are best.