Poly households or relationships are a very common dynamic in this lifestyle. However, it is something for which to remember that it is not something which is necessary to have There are many people out there who are Dominants and submissives and are monogamous.
Polysexual
Polysexual means having sexual relations with more then one person devoid of any real emotions or feelings towards that person. One prime example of a polysexual relationship would be swingers in the real world or “porn stars” who shoot on camera for making money. Prostitution is also a type of polysexual relationship, but not always the most law abiding one.
Polyamory
Definition: Participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships
Polyamory= (from Greek [poly, meaning many or several] and from Latin amor [love])
-In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of communication, trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compassion, (compersion) as well as the rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.
In the community, it is the right of a dominant to choose this type of household but it is also the submissive or slave’s right to decline or refuse to involve themselves in this type of household. You should always be up front and open with a submissive or slave when you are building your household. Changing dynamics mid relationship can be very damaging and detrimental to the relationship as a whole. A submissive also has a responsible for which to communicate their relationship type choices. If you are just going to go with it or wing it, nine out of ten times things are going to fall apart. This goes along with being truthful and honest with yourself and committed to your core values and beliefs for which you should always be.
What does a poly household look like?
In truth there is no blueprint to what a poly household looks like and is defined. The dominant and the people involved with the household are those for which will define what it looks like. There has been multiple dominant poly households as much as there has been multiple submissive poly households.
Some households are divided where the Dominant will choose certain days for which to spend time with the submissive. Some people can be happy jumping into one huge bed together with no sex whatsoever involved. Some people choose to live in separate homes but are still within a very firm family dynamic. There can also be large communities for which are joined together in a larger family based atmosphere community. The best way to find out what is right for you as a family is to sit down and communicate, discuss things and see how things go. There is no right answer and there is no right way for which poly households are established.
One thing that must be considered is where each individual in the household stands. Each person within the household will have his or her own specific place in that household. Each individual will have things that he or she is better suited for than the other individuals in the house. For example you have one person that can cook, one that likes to cook and has a limited amount of experience and one that cooks a few dishes very well but honestly would prefer not to cook. The duty of cooking would then go to the individual that can cook and enjoys it. The individual that likes to cook but doesn’t have much experience would then help prepare and serve the meals as well as get some tips on cooking from the other.
“Alpha verses Beta”
In a multi complex poly dynamic, there might be what are called alpha subs or beta subs. Alpha subs usually have some responsibility over beta subs. This might include discipline, instructions, assigning tasks, or other means which the dominant might assign. There also might be a multi complex level and hierarchy of dominants within a household where there are alpha doms and beta doms.
Some things to look out for is that the alpha subs do not become over controlling or loose their sense of submission. There is also the chance of confusion within the household if things are not laid out and on a specific foundation. Everyone in the household should have a perfect understanding. If rules begin to become crossed and there is imbalance within the household, this can cause a poly dynamic household to topple over.
Compersion:
Compersion is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individuals current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.
Happiness and joy is established when a submissive or slave sees their dominant with another person. Some dominants have an instinctive need to care for others. No matter what that need is not going to go away. Caring for, protecting, advising, nursing, and directing can be natural to that dominant as riding a bike or walking down the street. It is apart of a dominants instincts and who and what they are. This is something for which all dominants should understand and be transparent about when they are starting a relationship.
Compersion is something for which cannot be taught. It is not something for which can be ordered or commanded or pushed or forced. It is something for which has to come natural fort to be healthy for that relationship. You cannot force someone or in some cases you cannot teach someone compersion. I tis simply apart of them as a person. This is extremely important on why a Dominant needs to focus on alignment at the very beginning. If you are a poly Dominant it is a must to seek out a sub/slave that finds true joy in your happiness and understands that this will come many different ways. It is a must that the sub/slave understands that it is not a failure on their part and an inability to please you on their own. It is simply understanding our needs and instincts.
Compersion is not something for which should be taken for granted. If you are starting off as a one to one household and your going to move to a dynamic poly household, you should make sure that you take time and make sure that your household has a strong foundation and that things are on a even keel before you bring someone else into your household and rock the boat.
If you meet a sub/slave and they do not show immediate signs of compersion, does that mean that it does not exist in them? Not necessarily, as it could be that the enormous amount of trust needed to be earned by you as a Dominant is not in place yet. I encourage all of you to take your time because I am here to tell you that based on my own experience, the greatest gifts of submission are worth working for!
Both of my personal girls are wonderful woman. They are very healthy, intelligent and secure in the relationship we have. They have trust in me and faith in my relationship with them. Once they were able to establish this trust and faith, they were able to show a great and firm connection with eachother. This connection to me is what is being talked about, compersion. Not just with me, but with each other as a whole.
Compersion is something for which is a precious gift for which is given to us by our submissives. It is not something for which we should take for granted. It is a quality for which is earned by Dominants. Trust and personal connections, communication and friendship is something for which is important between submissives within the household. Equality is also something for which is important. submissives need to feel important. The same rules apply for owning a single submissive.
“Time limitations”
One thing to consider before opening up a dynamic poly household is time. I have seen over my years, dominants for which take on submissives for which they do not have time for. “Ohh its just for a short while… Ohh I am just protecting so and so..” is common things for which you might hear and then all of a sudden someone is left behind and their needs and what they require in the equality to balance things out is not being given to them. This leads up to broken hearts and lots of problems down the road. This goes along with understanding our limitations as dominants and not accepting people into our households for which we simply cannot care for. Make sure you can provide time equally to the submissives or slaves in your house.
“Favortism”
At times in poly situations, favoritism can rear its ugly head. This leads to submissives being left out. If you begin to favor one submissive over another, you will begin to unbalance out the relationship. In a poly dynamic, every submissive must feel that they are equally important. This can lead to jealousy issues which may come up. Jealousy is a sign that there might need to be some investigation and looking into just like symbols of pain or tiredness and depression which would need immediate attention to find out what is going on.
Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy. So the trick to making a poly relationship work is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued, loved, respected and cherished. Feeling the symptoms of Jealousy = Something is wrong and its time to investigate and communicate. Open, honest communication, finding out what the underlying cause of the jealousy is the key to a successful poly household.
“Transparency in the relationship”
Transparency is something which is important for any type of lifestyle relationship and certainly one which is a poly household. There lot of people who will practice in poly relationships, but they will keep the relationship “secret” from other parties in the relationship. One of the biggest examples of this in the online world is alting where you have multiple names and keep them from partners who you involve yourself in. I am a true firm believer that karma will come to bite you back on the ass if you perform these types of distrusting and disrespectful actions against someone.
Honesty is also a word which works with transparency. Being honest with your partners. If you take in a submissive or slave who is not poly and try to force that upon them, all your going to do is cause a whole lot of strife and conflict within the relationship which will end up causing harm in a mental and sometimes physical sense. Be honest with your partners.
“The third wheel syndrome”
The third wheel syndrome is when a Dominant goes and takes on another submissive because they are looking to add the flavor of a poly arrangement within their household. It usually takes place when the dominant’s submissive wants a sister or brother within the relationship and that dominant wants the “kinky” side of having a second play partner. While this Is a perfectly acceptable arrangement in some cases, you should be understanding of what your getting into. There are times where the couple is only hinting at a poly relationship but they are mostly one on one. These times the dominant will always side with the first submissive or slave and merely only make use of the second slave. In this situation the primary submissive might not totally understand what a poly situation involves and may try to sabotage the relationship with the Dominant and the other submissive which will only turn out to cause harm to the second submissive. The moral of the story is, make sure you understand and talk about the dynamic. Communicate so you are aware of what is going to take place, and where your standing is within the relationship.
“Training relationships”
Training relationships are also another form of a poly dynamic which usually has some set limitations which are worked out in a contract. I have seen households which take on an entire couple under their wing in order to help out with training and introducing the couple into the D/s lifestyle. There are also at times where a lone submissive will be taken under a Dominants collar for a form of training. Relationships like this hold the same grounds as a poly relationship and the same rules apply. Communication should be established between all of the parties involved so they understand what the relationship is going to be.
“Collectors”
Collectors is a term which is used for people who collect multiple slaves. You will see them usually with a list of ten or more slaves in their collar. I will be the first to tell you there is absolutely no way any Dominant can dedicate that must time to so many slaves. These are people who just collect submissives for the reason of ego or self worth. They are not true poly dynamics and should be avoided at all costs.
“Self Esteem”
Self esteem is an important factor in a poly relationship. Emotions can play havoc and imbalance a very complex and complicated relationship such as a poly relationship. Time, affect, comfort, and other things are things which end up becoming shared. If a person is suffering from self esteem issues, its very easy to bring about negative emotions such as jealousy, fear, rejection, inferiority, loneliness, envy, possessiveness, trust issues, selfishness. Any of these emotions can seriously damage the balance of a relationship. when these types of emotions are present, it will effect everyone within the poly relationship. Arguments will begin to form over small things and unhealthy competition for individual attention and affection can rip apart a relationship.
Some quick tips on keeping a multiple household a happy home….
- Treat each person as an individual, they are each unique in their own way…. never forget that each one is special to you.
- Take the time to show your appreciation for their hard work. In a multiple household there will always be competition, so make sure you praise each one when they have exceeded your expectations.
- Set aside time to spend with each one individually. Anything from going out to dinner to taking a walk in the park…every minute of your time is precious, and they know it. Each minute you spend with your slave/sub will be a moment they have you all to themselves and it will be treasured.
- Do not compare, even though it may be tempting sometimes…comparing individuals can destroy a slave/sub’s self esteem and make them doubt their own self worth.
- Do not allow jealousy to raise its ugly head, if you see jealousy beginning to start then squash it immediately. While a little competition is healthy and encourages a slave/sub to do their best, jealousy is a Dominant’s nightmare.
- Do your best not to correct or chastise one slave in front of another…unless of course that slave really likes humiliation. This is a good way to forge a strong resentment between the members of your household and make things very tense around your happy abode.
- Try to give each individual a special place of their own…I know this is sometimes hard, especially if space is at a premium. This however will give each person a place that they feel is their own and that represents them.
If your not careful to keep things balanced and promote and provide transparency when it is needed then your going to be coming home to a battlefield, filled with tension and resentment. Sometimes even a slave falls victim to simple human frailties. Understanding the human mind and how it works is very helpful for a Dominant. Using that knowledge to better control and govern the slaves within one’s household is a wise and ultimately beneficial thing.