“What are some important things to consider before you get involved with a scene?”
— Scene negotiation
Have a clear understanding of exactly what you are getting into. This is more or less something which should be done when your playing with a new person. As you learn and grow with each other and form new relationships, you can begin to learn someone. Things like limits, safe words and safe gestures should be well defined and understood.
—– Safe Words:
Safe Words are a signal for which is uttered and all type of physical or mental activity ceases and stops. There is then a cooling off period and then a discussion on what happened and why that submissive chose to use the safe words. Safe words should always be respected.
The most common safe word which is know universally is: GREEN YELLOW RED
- Green means everything is ok and to continue.
- Yellow means to slow down and that the submissive / slave is becoming nervous.
- Red means EVERYTHING STOPS! There is absolutely no choices to be made, everything ends right then and there and the submissive / slave is slowly brought back down.
—– Safe Gestures:
Safe Gestures are used when communication is not possible. This could be in the terms of a set of grunts or even some movements. Sometimes some used bells or things for which can be dropped to use as a signal. Body movements are also quite common such as the shaking of the head three times. The number three at times is used in the signal of universal distress within navel and other military organizations.
—– Limits: Hard and Soft
Soft limits sometimes also known as “interests” due to the nature of what they are. These are things for which the submissive or slave might be interested in involving themselves with if the proper training and understanding is taken. Sometimes these are things for which should be done slowly and with a lot of observation.
Hard limits are things for which simply are not done. These are things which under no circumstances should be approached for any reason whatsoever.
— proper equipment
You should always have a clear and precise understanding of anything for which you are going to use during a scene. This could include things such as restraints, bondage furniture, floggers, whips, ect. If you haven’t tried something or understand how to use something, you should NOT be using it without some sort of supervision. These are human’s with real bodies your playing with and if you don’t understand how to use something, don’t be macho and put someone else at risk. Everything should be safe and checked.
— proper understanding
You should always make sure that there is a total understanding about what is going to take place and happen. This goes with what was just placed before. Have a firm understanding of what your doing, what your using, and how your going about it. Have a firm understanding of the submissive / slave for which you are playing with.
— first aid and medical stuff available
You should have a firm understanding of first aid or least someone available who does so just in case something goes wrong. These are risky types of play for which we involve ourselves in so you should be ready for anything which might happen.
— Listing of the submissive’s medication
You should have a clear understanding of what medications a submissive / slave you are embarking on any type of play is on. You should also be aware of what the dominant is on. Some medications can hinder proper judgment and this goes back to the Sane concept of SSC. Make sure you can make proper judgments and decisions and that you are not under the influence of anything.
— Listing of health risks or things which a Dominant might need to be aware of medically (Conditions, ect ect)
Sometimes might be embarrassing to discuss such as some bowl movement problems, or types of seizures because we do not want people to look down about ourselves. If you are a dominant and your not asking your wrong. If your a submissive and your not sharing then you are wrong. Those who are playing should have a fine and good understanding if there is any medical or conditions going on which might come up in play. It is just best to be safe then worry about being embarrassed.
“What are some things to look out for, before you begin any type of physical, mental, or emotional play with a submissive”
- — Hungry
- — Tired
- — Energy Level
- — Intoxicated or under the influence
- — Psychological Level (Depression, Anger ect.)
- — Dehydrated
- — Hyper sensitivity and Blood sugar levels
- — General Health
These are only a small list of things for which you should be aware and observant of. Use common sense. If you feel something is not right or that there might be an issue, talk about it. Its best to not get involved if your not comfortable scene-ing with someone then taking a risk and something goes wrong and someone gets hurt.
“You ask your submissive how their feeling, and they tell you, ohh I have a headache, or I feel a little bit tired, but I’ll be fine, should you go ahead and continue to play with them? why or why not?”
No you should not. These are tell tale signs that something might be going on. Headaches are a good sign for other things and being tired can be also a tell tale sign that something is going on and you should not involve yourself with play. Do not take risks and chances. Its best to wait for another time when everything is fine then to risk and end up harming some. Just don’t do it!
Understanding After Care
“What is Sub space?”
First lets look at the Physiology behind sub space… (taken from Wikipedia)
During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense. Since the increase of hormones and chemicals produces a sort of trance-like state, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence. Many submissives, upon reaching a height of subspace, will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimulus causes the period to prolong.
The first thing to understand is that a submissive or slave may not always hit sub space. There are a lot of reasons for this and you should never get upset or feel down. Sometimes the body simply for one reason or another cannot get there.
Sub space is a condition for which submissives’ enter. This is a period of time for which they loose all contact with reality. It is caused by high levels of adrenaline or endorphins for which are created by the body automatically when any type of physical or mental play is involved. People CAN enter sub space mentally so it is possible for a submissive or slave to enter sub space remotely. You should be aware of this and learn not to push. Submissives and slaves loose the ability to communicate during this time period. Submissives may loose consciousness. You should always communicate during a scene. They may go limp and be non responsive. These are all signs that subspace is happening.
What will I feel?
- Just like every submissive or slave is unique, a submissive or slave’s experiences with sub space will also be unique to them. We all react differently both emotionally and physically to sub space. Here are some examples of things which one might feel.
- Feeling disconnected with reality.
- Feeling as though time has slowed down.
- Experiencing moments of tunnel vision where you only see what is in front of you and not what is around you.
- A sensation of you mind wandering or floating, making it hard to focus or concentrate.
- decreased coordination
- difficulty in thinking clearing
- inability to feel at times, or numbness.
Remember, during times of sub space a submissive may not be able to communicate or be able to differentiate if something is good or bad. It is the dominants responsibility to ensure the submissive’s physical and mental well being are taken into consideration and protected, especially when they enter this state of mind.
“The dominant must always remember that when a submissive is in subspace, they may not want to come down from it, since it is a feeling of bliss that they don’t want to lose. It’s the dominant’s responsibility to make sure that the submissive does come down safely. “
“What is Dom Space?”
See the article under the Dominant’s section for information on what Dom Space is.
“You have just finished an intense scene with a submissive, what exactly happens to the submissive?”
Submissives and slaves will go through a period of what is called sub drop. During this time they can very much begin to hallucinate or get very paranoid. They will begin to sweat sometimes to cool their core body temperature down. They may get extremely cold. They will become dehydrated in some cases. Their blood sugar may drop or plummet. Their heartbeats might start to slow down. The submissive is slowly coming down for whatever high they are on. This is very much like using drugs and getting that high from drugs and then slowly coming down from it. Their bodies are releasing all of those endorphins and adrenaline which is going through their body.
“What are some things which you as Dominants can do, to help a submissive come down from sub space?”
- To focus on their breathing
- rhythm….
- reassurances
- comfort and hold them
- the sound of your voice
- detached from reality
- loose awareness of pain that the submissive is in
It is important to understand that sub drop varies just as sub space does for every submissive. What one might feel or go through may not be the same for another. Its important to discuss this with your submissive or slave and if they do not know, to be very observant of them while they go through these phases. It is also important to note that some submissives may take a day if not longer usually no more then seven days to begin coming down. Some may go directly into sub drop, so it is important to keep a close eye and remain watchful of your submissive or slave after any physical or psychological scene.
“What are some things a submissive might feel during sub drop?”
- loneliness
- mental and physical exhaustion
- confusion
- insecurity
- incoherence
- intoxication
- high
- zoned out
- detached from reality
- loose awareness of pain that the submissive is in
Sub drop is when the endorphins you experienced during play suddenly leave your body and it goes into withdrawals. This can be described as similar to drug addiction recovery. Your body goes through a crash period and is personal to each person. From crying and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, to sadness, depression and anxiety. You could also experience moments of guilt or doubt about your play session and what you enjoyed. Drop can come at your within hours or even days later. It is typically more common with submissives’ in long term or committed relationships than with casual partners.
Sub drop can be both a physical condition for which a submissive or slave goes through as well as a mental condition. Not everything is extremely physical in nature.
You should understand the signs of how a submissive or slave reacts. You should be aware of what they are going to need. Be observant and understanding. Remember, sometimes they can be in a very emotional and mental state and they may say get away from me or don’t come near me. You should take some distance but you should never ever ever ever leave a submissive or slave by themselves for any reason whatsoever. If you need something, have someone else get something. You need to be with that submissive or slave till they come out of it and are able to function normally. This is your responsibility. You may need to get them to rest, get them to cover up, give them something to get their blood sugar back in order. Some people may need something o lower their blood sugar and some may need something to raise it like chocolate or orange juice but be careful. If your dealing with a diabetic that can become risky and may shoot their blood sugar out of control.
As a Dominant, you should have a general knowledge of first aid and how to care for a submissive or slave before or after a scene. Some places or play parties will have trained personnel for which are available and on call if something goes wrong or to assist. These people go through extensive first aid, cpr and other forms of training to gain these positions. They are usually called dungeon monitors or dungeon masters.
After care is something for which should NOT be overlooked online. There are certain aspects of mental after care for which is important if not more so then physical. If you have read a good book and become aroused or felt your heart pumping faster, these are all tell tale signs of what might happen in a sub space position. So tending to after care ONLINE is just as important as doing such face to face.
Aftercare Kits:
These are a list of things for which you might have on hand and ready to give proper after care. You need to communicate with the submissive or slave to have an understanding if they have very specific or special needs. Every submissive or slave is different so their needs in after care might also be different. Be wise, don’t assume and its not foolish to ask.
- Water
- Orange Juice
- Warm blanket
- First Aid Kit
- First Aid Manual
- Bath salts
- Bubble bath
- Scented candles
- Incense
- Favorite book
- Prepaid calling card
- Hard candy
- Favorite beverages
- Lotion
- Journal
- Relaxing music
- Letter from your partner
- Stuffed animals
- Coloring books/crayons
- Gift card to favorite restaurant
- Vitamin E
- Favorite movie
- sub medication and when they should take them and where they keep them
- Listing of Doctors
An important thing to remember….
As much as we wish to rely on a Dominant to ensure that we are brought down properly, a submissive should always be prepared for the worse and have the abilities and tools, and perhaps friendships which to rely upon if they are not brought down properly by those they are playing with. Always have a back up plan, even if its someone you know to go to when you need help in coming back down. Especially in the online world, I find lot of Dominants do not conduct proper aftercare and they do not do such simply because of lack of knowledge or experience. You are primarily responsible for yourself and as much as we love to rely on others one hundred percet, that is unfortunately not the case all of the time. Things happen, and you should be prepared.