The first thing to understand is to know what “Sub Frenzy” is and how to avoid it. All too often, a submissive will go with a Master or Mistress after little conversation or interaction. This is the recipe for absolute disaster, both mental and physical. The first thing to understand that a Dominant/submissive relationship is still a relationship and a human one at that. You are not a dog or a cat, or a mere animal for which can be simply selected by looks. You are a person with complex emotions and feelings, which need to be understood. There has to be a strong basis and foundation for a relationship to strive.
Respect, Trust, Honest, Love, Obedience – The absolute foundation for a strong relationship.
In serving and selecting a new Dominant, keep these very important concepts in mind:
Communication: Talk to each other and be able to communicate. Communication must be open, honest and without fear or retribution. A submissive should be able to clearly express their fears and their emotions to their owners. How else will a dominant know where exactly your limits are?
Honesty: Be honest and true to yourself. Do not try to be someone you are not, because nine out of ten times your going to get hurt. Be honest about your fears, desires, and situation. Lying can cause much problems later on and it is good to start out on a good even keel.
Patience: Take your time to find the right person. Don’t go jumping to the first person you find, that is sub frenzy. It may take time, but I assure you the wait will be worth it in the end.
Safety: You must always protect yourself. Use proper and understandable safe words, safe calls, If a dominant says they are not necessary, get away from them and find someone else. They are not worth the dirt they stand on.
Common Sense: Use it and have it. If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If something doesn’t feel right to you, guess what, its not right.
What is VICSS?
- Voluntary: all partners involved in erotic power exchange activity of whatever nature should decide to do so of their own free will and choice and without any force applied. Sometimes the element of “force” may be hidden. Such can be the case if either of the parties faces (or fears to be faced with) economical or social repercussions if he or she does not go along with what the other partner(s) wants. This may be the case for example if colleagues at work enter into EPE-activities or within a marriage. If either of the partners feels forced, for whatever reason, the situation is non-voluntary.
- Informed: all partners involved in erotic power exchange should base their decision to do so on correct information and should be able to judge the situation and possible consequences. A simple “yes” often is not enough, especially in cases where it is doubtful whether the person saying “yes” does not or can not know what the implications are or can be.
- Consentual: all partners involved should agree to what is going to happen or happening and should have the possibility to evaluate previous decisions in the event they are faced with emotions, reactions or information they feel is of importance to their situation.
- Sane: decisions with respect to erotic power exchange activities should be made when all partners involved are of a clear mind. Consent as a result of the use of drugs, alcohol or the rush or the situations is not consent.
- Safe: erotic power exchange activities should be safe, both physically and mentally and in the event physical or mental risks are taken – for example in an edge play situation – people should be well informed about the possible risks, implications and repercussions.
Moral or ethical code
Although the majority of the people, involved in erotic power exchange, usually have very high moral and ethical standards there is no standard moral or ethical code when it comes to erotic power exchange. Since EPE is such a personal and intimate activity it is questionable if such a moral code can be produced at all. This means that people who are into erotic power exchange activities very much depend on their own judgment, often without references.
Seeking advice is difficult, since it may be very hard to find a reliable source – in general terms as well as with respect to your own personal situation. However, there are some general rules of thumb to go by when evaluating your personal position or a situation you are about to enter:
- Respect: Any erotic power exchange relationship should be based on mutual respect. In the event you have doubts about this, it is very likely there is something wrong.
- Communication: Communication is paramount when it comes to erotic power exchange. Communication is a two way street. If you feel your arguments, feelings and thoughts are disregarded you have stumbled on another warning signal.
- Relationship: In general – disregarding incidental kick-seeking – erotic power exchange can only flourish within a sound and solid relationship.
- Dominance and ego: Dominance is not male chauvinism. Although it is sometimes very hard to draw the lines in individual cases, ego trips are out of the question when it comes to erotic power exchange.
It is a mistake to think only the submissive can be “persuaded” into something she does not want. It happens to dominants as well and submissives can sometimes be very persistent.
Recognizing domestic violence
Domestic violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. By asking yourself the following questions and watching for the following signals you may evaluate the situation you are in:
- Physical signals
- Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you? (Erotic power exchange scenes excluded)
- Has he or she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room or used a weapon of any kind?
- Are you afraid of your partner?
- Does your partner constantly or frequently criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control or ridicule you for the limits you do set?
- Do you feel obliged to have sex?
- Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
- Isolation
- Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
- Does your partner prohibit you to take part in social events or activities?
- Property
- Has your partner ever destroyed objects?
- Has your partner ever threatened pets?
- Economical
- Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?
- Has he/she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
- Emotional/Psychological
- Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
- Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
- Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self esteem?
- Do you feel you can not discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Abuse within an erotic power exchange relationship
Although it does not occur often, abuse within an erotic power exchange relation does occur. Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering is not “agreed” upon. Domestic violence is not the same as consentual S/M. As a result of their sexual orientation, abused persons who are in an erotic power exchange relationship may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence to stereotypes. These are question that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is an abusive one:
- Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
- Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?
- Has she or he ever violated your limits?
- Do you feel “trapped” in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?
- Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?
Finally, use your head and use your best judgment. You know yourself the best. You should have a firm understanding of what your looking for and don’t just settle for what you feel will do for the time being. Remember these words and remember to be Safe, to be Sane, and always to be Consensual!